Lecher VIII

After my wife left me I was free, again. I was alone, I was bored. I was empty. I was like a silent room where nobody has entered for years.

Two people living together is very tough. It's hard to listen to each other so much , to see other again. But you get used to it. And you stop seeing the other person, hearing the other person.

Is this is how it supposed to be? Is this is how everyone feels? It sucks man. I hope there is something more real than this, something more authentic.

Every night after office I used to watch Office on my laptop and laugh like crazy. I knew everything that happens in the office still watching that on a smaller screen made me laugh. But inside it felt so fake, like a hollow wet wooden block.

I am happy there is none to tie us together. That is to say no kid in the house. Otherwise I don't know what we would have done. I think about the people who have kids and when they separate it must be very tough for the children. The age they are in is not one of witness such cruelties of human nature . That age to be in ignorance . To be in illusion that the world is such a beautiful place to live where after every 4 months you get a break of 2 months , and you get ice-cream every Saturday while watching T.v. I wish life was like that.

That time when we went for our honeymoon. It was chilly as hell, we spent the whole night hugging each other . I could feel the smell of her skin, The small hair that covered her body like leaves of tress of cover a garden. She looked so peaceful, she looked like ice. And I was doing nothing but just witnessing her.

First morning we visited lot of temples and went for rock climbing. She led me to different places and I followed her because that's what you do when you are in love. The relationship was building, but it did feel like there was something broken. Something weak beneath the surface. Something I can't penetrate. Something that separated our souls and something that can't be broken.

Maybe we were just different, but that covering never dissolved and the formalities never ended. I am a person who wants to explain everything in words, in better words. To make it emotional to make very romantic, like an old letter. But she didn't care about such things. She was lost somewhere else. Somewhere I couldn't ever reach . As a song says, "There were oceans between me and her".

When I signed the sheet , I looked at her she was like a statue. She was expressionless, devoid of life. I was breaking inside, with trembling hand, handed over the pen to her. I hope she did remember that day that we spent 7 years together, fighting life.

I have felt inner peace while sitting with her watching sunset, hand in hand. I have been drenched in the rain with her, and ran to get a place under a crowded shed, and sipped hot tea. I used to look to analyse what she is made up of. But that's the beauty of human soul. You can't see it, understand it ..you can only feel it.

It's okay. I can go on living. I can go on smiling. I can go looking at the stars. I can visit beaches, listen to old songs , and maybe cry a lot. But I don't why all this happened. I have been searching a lot. But I think, some questions don't have an answer.  Or maybe they aren't the questions they are the answers.

Untouchable

The soul is untouchable. The body is touchable. It's not the surface that matters. Its what happens deep beneath you. The turmoil that you are going through. How to resolve that storm? Only you can and you can.

The clarity. Don't give a shit about what people think , feel. People are mostly stupid and conclude very prematurely. Of course it's not their life, they don't give a shit if their opinion is miscalculated. It's your life. Be the best manager of your life. Take it as a project. Have great vision about what you want to do with your life. It will take sometime to achieve that vision and to feel awake. But try everyday, every night to see the vision. In the end if  you are satisfied with your decisions that's what is going matter.

Don't see other people and feel pressurized. Everyone is following their own vision and working hard. And of course everyone is different and yes everyone is creative. Some are lucky and some are not. But only the ones working hard can make use of the luck.

Said this I think doing something is after all more important than choosing what to do. It's a very subjective problem and the answer lies somewhere inside you so stop looking outside. Keep working everyday and believe in yourself . Your eyes will open soon.

Unbelievable

What the fuck. How much sin does one man commit before he can't commit anymore. How much bad has a man got to be, before he breaks all the limits. It's what people make you appear , and they try their best to make you appear worst. And after sometime even you start believing it. That you are a bad bad person. But of course you are NOT.

People have their world views. And in those views they are a hero. A hero can't be wrong. Well same applies to me but I try to be as much objective as possible. Well in the end everyone of us is full of shit, and I have even admitted it many a times. But people well they think that they are almost alright and everyone else is cheating them, victimizing them. They have always been right and unfortunately met many assholes along the way. Well this maybe true but once we start seeing from different perspectives we lose what is what and who is who.

As you grow up, you get calmer. I would wish this to my best friends. The calmness the patience. I think it is the key to having a good life, not great life, well I don't know what that is. But I have seen, I don't feel so bad now when I am falsely accused by people. They scream I am a bad man. Though I feel bad sometimes but then I try to analyze it from an outsider view and feel satisfied.

A wise man once said that you got to choose your battles and I can assure you man most of the battles you might feeling like fighting won't be worth it. But the thing is that it will take sometime for you to recognize which one are and aren't.

I feel like a rock sometimes. A rock that nothing can break. I think that is what ultimately what everyone is going towards. To not succumb under any external pressure , physical, mental, emotional. Not to be afraid of anything or anyone. Though it's very difficult to be like this but with time I think people move towards it. 'To be a rock, but not to roll'

As Kant says Enlightenment is the point where you don't need anyone else to judge whatever you are doing and whatever you did is right or wrong. And mostly I think you got to back yourself and believe in yourself. Once you get the sense of right and wrong in your world view, nothing can shake you. But before you build such a view think a lot, think a lot about morality and ethics and justice and freedom. Understanding of these things is very important for one to be called as a true human. And thats what the goal of life should be. Coming out of the cave.

Many people never come out of their caves and what a dark life they live. Struggling everyday, getting bruised , everything is acceptable but not trying to move towards light is not. It's like living a dead man's life. There are already lot of people out there who were courageous enough to come out. They can surely help you in your endeavor but all the steps you and only you have to take. And it all start with one step.

Lecher - VI

The problems have started to emerge. I can't concentrate much. Every 2 minutes I have to look at my phone or check my email. Are these early signs of OCD ? I don't know, I hope not.

I was a good student at college I remember. One who everyone thought was sincere, teachers and students alike. I always paid attention in the class. Used to take notes and people used to copy them. The college went smoothly and I was getting along like flowing water.

There were not many subjects I was particularly interested in . But one course I remember really blew my mind away. It was a cognitive science course. To explain a bit further about how brain works. And  first class I entered the professor was speaking about the duality of mind and the brain.
"What's the difference between mind and the brain ? The mind is the output of the brain, like a software running on top of the hardware. So mind is like the operating system and brain is like the hardware i.e the processor, RAM etc. But of course it's not that simple. "
Somebody asked " How mind is made from brain ? Where is it ? Can we see it ? "
Professor replied " It's very hard to answer that question. The answer to it lies in the theory of monism or dualism. i.e If you believe that mind and brain which is also called body different things or the same things. But how mind is created from brain is the biggest question philosophers, scientists and psychologists are tackling right now"
 "The soul is also equated with the mind in many of the Religious philosophies like the Hindusim etc"
"So some people say that soul remains forever and body dies are in a way pointing out that the body and soul are two different things."

I came back to my room and my mind was bundling with questions. "What about computers do they have a mind? " I searched for it on the Internet and found some information. Though computers can do computation have a greater level than humans but they can't engage in a conversation with a human. That's the level of sophistication you need to be called a human is to pass a test called Turing test. In this test you interact with a machine and a human at the same time. You are unaware of who is who. You ask them questions and after certain time if you are unable to figure out the difference between which is which then the machine has passed the test. Till date no machine has passed that test.

That got me thinking why we can't make a computer that can think. Of course we will have to make artificial brain cells but artificial cells have already been made haven't they ? If we make a thinking machine it will be humans only so what's the difference would be there then. A movie called Blade Runner I think shows a future where artificial bots have been created that are not easily distinguishable from humans and they are creating havoc. If something like this is created in the society in future we are sure to doom. Plus of course if they have a mind of their own they can plan to fight against you. And computers can be easily scaled by adding processors and thus a superhuman can be easily made. Oh man what the ...

What characters would you install in your robot. A human-like robot that you can make. Of course in the start everyone wants to make robots to help us grow. Like a sub-ordinate, a helper, an enabler. But what if someone made a human those who can love them. Well of course everyone is need of love and affection. It's a human need. Man these thoughts just blew my mind away.

Sometimes I think maybe we could make a robot who can understand us. How can be the perfect life partner. Because I have failed many times in being understood and in understanding people. And I think many other people too face these problems. Constant fighting, ego clashes, these are bound to happen. It will be great if such a machine can be made that doesn't fight with you. This process of reconciliation between two individuals is fairly complex and with time it's getting more and more complex. Mostly females I can't comprehend. Males on the other hand are fairly simple. Females are emotionally convoluted and advise to read between the lines. They are like poetry.

Lecher - V

What is it to be a man? Its difficult. It's to enjoy the quiet. It's to smoke a cigarette with a friend. It's to drink beer while watching football. Its to cry while watching a war movie. It's to give it all. It's to hit back hard. It's to run for miles till the whole water from your body is washed away. It's to look at the sky at the free birds flying and take a deep breath. It's to get hundred scars on your body and not utter a word. It's to smile and its keep moving ahead, drinking the cough syrup. It's to take the shock in your brains and the eat the fucking cold shit out of a refrigerator. It's to fuck, its to get sucked.

Lecher - IV

My wife left me. She had to. I made her to. Money made her to. My constant carnal hunger made her to. And the funny thing is that I can't even remember that I was married to her. Wasn't it a nightmare ? A false memory.

"We won't have a child till you become a manager and I get promoted to Senior consultant" she would say every time I pretended of being a father who wants a child. The truth is I also didn't want any either, but had to pretend so that she doesn't feel that I'm weird. Though sometimes she kept staring at me for a long time continuously, like trying to find something lost inside my eyes.

Her friend Shweta. Well she was sweet and she was hot and she was fat. She was from Southern part of India. Like the ones you see in the movies at Xhamster. But she wasn't that easy to impress. Or maybe she just pretended not to get impressed.

"Do you want to have a drink? I'm really pissed off " Shweta calls me around 7 pm on a Wednesday evening. "I don't know Monil must be waiting for me. She told me that she will come early today" I reply, screaming inside on a potential opportunity loss.
"OK..but I think it won't take much time. We will leave in an hour. I promise" she obviously seemed pushy. And I don't think I have the power to turn down such a chance. So I agree.

You feel that energy inside yourself like you are going to get something that you have never had before. Though it's true some times but it lets you down most of the time. But every time the excitement is bubbling to the same extent irrespective of whatever happened the last time. And this time wasn't any different at all.

I won't forgot that day for many reasons both good and bad. But it did change my life to take a different course, a better course. A path I was meant to take sooner or later.

So I reach the pub. Not many people were inside it as it was just about to be 8pm. I see few couples sitting and talking about I don't know what shit. Maybe about somebody's facebook status or some photo or some guy who got married or maybe some ten-things-fuckers-say kind of posts.

Finally she came wearing black one-piece dress, kind of revealing I would say. She also wore a necklace that was quite unusual. And when I looked at her feet she wore an anklet. Well you can say that she came totally prepared for it and that's how I like it, maybe she understood my frequency though I never said a thing to her ever.

We order few drinks and nothing to eat. Who wants to eat when you can drink alcohol. Well food, it pollutes alcohol and the conversation.

"My boss is an asshole. He doesn't know shit. How dare he say such bloody things to me. I have 6 years of experience in this field. And he.. well he just fresh out of college. idiot." she started. "It's ok. You don't have to take his words so seriously. They are given instructions to be such bloodsucking monsters otherwise they will get fired." I reply trying to calm her. "Yes I know but he should have basic decency to talk to his seniors. Common manners I can expect from anyone working in such a big company. Can't I ? "

"Yes you can but not everyone is like that. There are people like that everywhere in the industry, in the government everywhere. Best thing you can do is to learn how to deal with them, identify their soft spots."

"Maybe someday I will. But you know I think I'm too weak for all this, I need a support system"

I knew where this was going.

"Why don't you get yourself a boyfriend. You can get any guy, you put your finger on"
"Hahaha.." she laughs looking into my eyes, and moving fingers through her black silky hair. I imagine her biting her lips.

"Can I tell you something? "
"Yes sure"
"Promise you won't tell it to anyone"
"Promise"
"No you will"
"No I won't"
"You are too cute. If you weren't married I would have .."
"Haha. Come on, stop being so generous. But yes thanks."
I smile and take a deep sip of JD that I had ordered. I look around the pub and see few people have come while I was busy chatting with her. I see a girl wearing a kind of white top where your shoulders are visible. I think this is one of the most magnificent dress a woman can put on.

"So no one ever proposed to you ? I can't believe it."
"Yes of course lots have proposed "
"And you have rejected all? Didn't like any one of them? High standards."
"Yes I few. Actually I am not looking for flings these days. It's about time I get married. So I am not in a mood for just waste my time"
Damn it.

"I can understand. "
"But this is a pain. Why does one have to get married. I am happy single. I earn well, I have a home and a car. Why then I have to give all away. Everyone I talk to these days is asking me when I am committing suicide. It's hard being an educated , well earning and single girl ."
"Yes that's the society for you. Parents don't understand because their times were different than ours. And we ourselves can't understand their Point. But I think it's upto us, it's our life. We have all the right to live it as we want to. As they say be the master of your ship"

It's sudden and its soft and its wet. I find myself  lip locked, in a deep French kiss. It seemed like she hadn't kissed anyone in a long time, maybe never, but then how was she such a great kisser. I slowly close my eyes, not thinking much about the people staring at me. This kiss is one the longest I have had in a long time and it was certainly much satisfying. I try gently push her away but shes strong attached to me like a newly born baby. Finally we are separated probably to due to asphyxiation.

She is totally drunk, I can see that. But that's not a reason to kiss your friend's husband. She is definitely inot me and this isn't the only milestone that she wants to achieve with me. She wants to go further and I can't stop myself in accompanying her.

"Let's go on. I think you have had a little too much. "
"No. I want to drink more. Hell I want to dance."
"Dance. There's no music to dance"

Suddenly some jazz music turns on

"But I can hear it. It's good enough to dance."
"But you are too drunk to dance It's ok you can dance in your apartment. Plus I have to leave Monil must be waiting for me"
I look at my mobile. No missed calls. Strange. She must be busy with something, maybe just tired and slept already. Strange still.

She got up and started shaking her body. What the .. . Though I was bit drunk too, but I wasn't in any mood for shenanigans. I tried to calm her down but she wouldn't stop. I had to get up and she put her arms my shoulders. And then her head near my head. It was like a movie , as suddenly everything was so fine, so resonant. So I played along and we were there slow dancing in a burning room as John Mayer would put it.

I put my arms around her waist, and guide her to the less bright corner of the pub. I think everyone was looking at us, few even cheered us. I could her singing some old tune, probably from Madonna.Her eyes are closed and she's just enjoying the music like she's has not heard music in long time. She was flowing with the music.

Gosh how do I land up in such situations. I obviously can't do anything with her. She's my wife's best friend. Well a good friend, if not best. She will tell everything to her. Yeah so I knew what I had to do, I had to control myself.

I pay the bill while holding her with my arm. She was leaning completely onto me saying something in her mother tongue now. I book a cab. It was already 11pm and I thought this was the end. I looked at my mobile 13 missed calls. All from her. My wife soon to be ex.

"I love you baby" she says as I guide her out of the cab and start to move towards her apartment. I tell her to give me the key to the door. She just turns her purse upside down. I see 100 lipsticks, combs, nail polish, hair-clips and some other shit. Somehow I manage to get the key, and open the door. I throw her on her bed and get the fuck out.

"Do you have a cigarette.?" I ask the cab driver. He offers me a full pack of cigarettes. I take a deep puff one and look at the stars. They feel like they are about to crumble. Perhaps its not the earth's sky but only mine. The street lights are flickering and making long shadows of light poles. I see dogs desperately trying to find something of value in a pile of garbage. And that's not very different from what I am doing with my life.

*** This is the 4th part of a multi-post series. For other parts of the story please explore the Blog. ***

Rape Me My Friend.

A lot of power, a lot of truth, a lot of pain, a lot of anger, a lot of shame, a lot of light, a lot of grief, a lot of sickness, a lot of ignorance, a lot of bravery, a lot of symbolism, a lot of significance.

This was what the documentary was about, except a lot more.

India, our India. The fastest developing nation, the nation with world greatest mathematical discoveries and the land of Ayurveda, yoga and land where all the gods lived and everything great that has ever existed. But the fact is that this not that place anymore. It has been annihilated by poverty, ignorance, selfishness and by the lust for money, women and power.

So why did it happen. That's the biggest question that we need to ask. And what can we do about it ?

I outrightly reject the bullshit hypothesis of girl being at the wrong place at the wrong time and reacted in the wrong way. People who think along these lines are a failure and need immediate care. Though they form a large chunk of the population. That's a big worry.

The reason lies much more deeper than that. It lies in the psyche of the criminals, psyche of the society. And I don't blame the criminals alone, its a shame for all of us, all of the people of India. When you see these acts happening everyday in front of your eyes. So think it's okay do indulge in such acts. And everyone knows that they are happening but nobody has the balls to something about it because thats how the things have been and will be like forever.

The schools are teaching, oh yes they are. Schools are everywhere. Students like the victim went to about the same school as they the murderers went to. She must have seen such brutal scenes in her neighborhood. But I think it was the attitude of the parents, her own judgment that lead to development of diametrically opposite world views of the two. While the victim moved towards the light the murderers moved towards the darkness.

Who is to be blamed for that ? Every man has a choice always. Always. It's not alcohol that makes the decisions for you, it's your values, it's your surroundings, its the people around you. The line you draw between right and wrong , is very thin and is very contextual. What is acceptable and unacceptable is in your hands and always will be, unless you are a coward like the murderers.

The blame has to be taken by all of us and equally. All those who are neglecting that such things are happening, all those who are in power to do something about this but aren't. all those who don't have enough depth in the mind to understand why this is happening, all those who are using this as an excuse to gain leadership, all those who are understanding everything but changing the channel. Everyone is equally responsible for her death and everyone has equal right to attain atonement. We made them.


Talking of Mars Missions and Nuclear development doesn't makes sense when such things are happening in your background. You just can't let us heinous crimes happen and remain content in your satisfied city life. And please don't give me the crap argument that the criminals don't represent the modern Indian society, Fact is and remains that more than 50% people of India are living in extreme poverty and ignorance.

It's a big responsibility every Indian has to take and the time has come now. 'Cause if we don't do anything about it, it will explode our society soon. There are too many weak spots in the foundation of the Indian society that need to be cemented simultaneously as we build the higher stories.'Cause we all know what happens the buildings the weak foundations. They break down like a house of cards.