Lecher - VI

The problems have started to emerge. I can't concentrate much. Every 2 minutes I have to look at my phone or check my email. Are these early signs of OCD ? I don't know, I hope not.

I was a good student at college I remember. One who everyone thought was sincere, teachers and students alike. I always paid attention in the class. Used to take notes and people used to copy them. The college went smoothly and I was getting along like flowing water.

There were not many subjects I was particularly interested in . But one course I remember really blew my mind away. It was a cognitive science course. To explain a bit further about how brain works. And  first class I entered the professor was speaking about the duality of mind and the brain.
"What's the difference between mind and the brain ? The mind is the output of the brain, like a software running on top of the hardware. So mind is like the operating system and brain is like the hardware i.e the processor, RAM etc. But of course it's not that simple. "
Somebody asked " How mind is made from brain ? Where is it ? Can we see it ? "
Professor replied " It's very hard to answer that question. The answer to it lies in the theory of monism or dualism. i.e If you believe that mind and brain which is also called body different things or the same things. But how mind is created from brain is the biggest question philosophers, scientists and psychologists are tackling right now"
 "The soul is also equated with the mind in many of the Religious philosophies like the Hindusim etc"
"So some people say that soul remains forever and body dies are in a way pointing out that the body and soul are two different things."

I came back to my room and my mind was bundling with questions. "What about computers do they have a mind? " I searched for it on the Internet and found some information. Though computers can do computation have a greater level than humans but they can't engage in a conversation with a human. That's the level of sophistication you need to be called a human is to pass a test called Turing test. In this test you interact with a machine and a human at the same time. You are unaware of who is who. You ask them questions and after certain time if you are unable to figure out the difference between which is which then the machine has passed the test. Till date no machine has passed that test.

That got me thinking why we can't make a computer that can think. Of course we will have to make artificial brain cells but artificial cells have already been made haven't they ? If we make a thinking machine it will be humans only so what's the difference would be there then. A movie called Blade Runner I think shows a future where artificial bots have been created that are not easily distinguishable from humans and they are creating havoc. If something like this is created in the society in future we are sure to doom. Plus of course if they have a mind of their own they can plan to fight against you. And computers can be easily scaled by adding processors and thus a superhuman can be easily made. Oh man what the ...

What characters would you install in your robot. A human-like robot that you can make. Of course in the start everyone wants to make robots to help us grow. Like a sub-ordinate, a helper, an enabler. But what if someone made a human those who can love them. Well of course everyone is need of love and affection. It's a human need. Man these thoughts just blew my mind away.

Sometimes I think maybe we could make a robot who can understand us. How can be the perfect life partner. Because I have failed many times in being understood and in understanding people. And I think many other people too face these problems. Constant fighting, ego clashes, these are bound to happen. It will be great if such a machine can be made that doesn't fight with you. This process of reconciliation between two individuals is fairly complex and with time it's getting more and more complex. Mostly females I can't comprehend. Males on the other hand are fairly simple. Females are emotionally convoluted and advise to read between the lines. They are like poetry.

Lecher - V

What is it to be a man? Its difficult. It's to enjoy the quiet. It's to smoke a cigarette with a friend. It's to drink beer while watching football. Its to cry while watching a war movie. It's to give it all. It's to hit back hard. It's to run for miles till the whole water from your body is washed away. It's to look at the sky at the free birds flying and take a deep breath. It's to get hundred scars on your body and not utter a word. It's to smile and its keep moving ahead, drinking the cough syrup. It's to take the shock in your brains and the eat the fucking cold shit out of a refrigerator. It's to fuck, its to get sucked.

Lecher - IV

My wife left me. She had to. I made her to. Money made her to. My constant carnal hunger made her to. And the funny thing is that I can't even remember that I was married to her. Wasn't it a nightmare ? A false memory.

"We won't have a child till you become a manager and I get promoted to Senior consultant" she would say every time I pretended of being a father who wants a child. The truth is I also didn't want any either, but had to pretend so that she doesn't feel that I'm weird. Though sometimes she kept staring at me for a long time continuously, like trying to find something lost inside my eyes.

Her friend Shweta. Well she was sweet and she was hot and she was fat. She was from Southern part of India. Like the ones you see in the movies at Xhamster. But she wasn't that easy to impress. Or maybe she just pretended not to get impressed.

"Do you want to have a drink? I'm really pissed off " Shweta calls me around 7 pm on a Wednesday evening. "I don't know Monil must be waiting for me. She told me that she will come early today" I reply, screaming inside on a potential opportunity loss.
"OK..but I think it won't take much time. We will leave in an hour. I promise" she obviously seemed pushy. And I don't think I have the power to turn down such a chance. So I agree.

You feel that energy inside yourself like you are going to get something that you have never had before. Though it's true some times but it lets you down most of the time. But every time the excitement is bubbling to the same extent irrespective of whatever happened the last time. And this time wasn't any different at all.

I won't forgot that day for many reasons both good and bad. But it did change my life to take a different course, a better course. A path I was meant to take sooner or later.

So I reach the pub. Not many people were inside it as it was just about to be 8pm. I see few couples sitting and talking about I don't know what shit. Maybe about somebody's facebook status or some photo or some guy who got married or maybe some ten-things-fuckers-say kind of posts.

Finally she came wearing black one-piece dress, kind of revealing I would say. She also wore a necklace that was quite unusual. And when I looked at her feet she wore an anklet. Well you can say that she came totally prepared for it and that's how I like it, maybe she understood my frequency though I never said a thing to her ever.

We order few drinks and nothing to eat. Who wants to eat when you can drink alcohol. Well food, it pollutes alcohol and the conversation.

"My boss is an asshole. He doesn't know shit. How dare he say such bloody things to me. I have 6 years of experience in this field. And he.. well he just fresh out of college. idiot." she started. "It's ok. You don't have to take his words so seriously. They are given instructions to be such bloodsucking monsters otherwise they will get fired." I reply trying to calm her. "Yes I know but he should have basic decency to talk to his seniors. Common manners I can expect from anyone working in such a big company. Can't I ? "

"Yes you can but not everyone is like that. There are people like that everywhere in the industry, in the government everywhere. Best thing you can do is to learn how to deal with them, identify their soft spots."

"Maybe someday I will. But you know I think I'm too weak for all this, I need a support system"

I knew where this was going.

"Why don't you get yourself a boyfriend. You can get any guy, you put your finger on"
"Hahaha.." she laughs looking into my eyes, and moving fingers through her black silky hair. I imagine her biting her lips.

"Can I tell you something? "
"Yes sure"
"Promise you won't tell it to anyone"
"Promise"
"No you will"
"No I won't"
"You are too cute. If you weren't married I would have .."
"Haha. Come on, stop being so generous. But yes thanks."
I smile and take a deep sip of JD that I had ordered. I look around the pub and see few people have come while I was busy chatting with her. I see a girl wearing a kind of white top where your shoulders are visible. I think this is one of the most magnificent dress a woman can put on.

"So no one ever proposed to you ? I can't believe it."
"Yes of course lots have proposed "
"And you have rejected all? Didn't like any one of them? High standards."
"Yes I few. Actually I am not looking for flings these days. It's about time I get married. So I am not in a mood for just waste my time"
Damn it.

"I can understand. "
"But this is a pain. Why does one have to get married. I am happy single. I earn well, I have a home and a car. Why then I have to give all away. Everyone I talk to these days is asking me when I am committing suicide. It's hard being an educated , well earning and single girl ."
"Yes that's the society for you. Parents don't understand because their times were different than ours. And we ourselves can't understand their Point. But I think it's upto us, it's our life. We have all the right to live it as we want to. As they say be the master of your ship"

It's sudden and its soft and its wet. I find myself  lip locked, in a deep French kiss. It seemed like she hadn't kissed anyone in a long time, maybe never, but then how was she such a great kisser. I slowly close my eyes, not thinking much about the people staring at me. This kiss is one the longest I have had in a long time and it was certainly much satisfying. I try gently push her away but shes strong attached to me like a newly born baby. Finally we are separated probably to due to asphyxiation.

She is totally drunk, I can see that. But that's not a reason to kiss your friend's husband. She is definitely inot me and this isn't the only milestone that she wants to achieve with me. She wants to go further and I can't stop myself in accompanying her.

"Let's go on. I think you have had a little too much. "
"No. I want to drink more. Hell I want to dance."
"Dance. There's no music to dance"

Suddenly some jazz music turns on

"But I can hear it. It's good enough to dance."
"But you are too drunk to dance It's ok you can dance in your apartment. Plus I have to leave Monil must be waiting for me"
I look at my mobile. No missed calls. Strange. She must be busy with something, maybe just tired and slept already. Strange still.

She got up and started shaking her body. What the .. . Though I was bit drunk too, but I wasn't in any mood for shenanigans. I tried to calm her down but she wouldn't stop. I had to get up and she put her arms my shoulders. And then her head near my head. It was like a movie , as suddenly everything was so fine, so resonant. So I played along and we were there slow dancing in a burning room as John Mayer would put it.

I put my arms around her waist, and guide her to the less bright corner of the pub. I think everyone was looking at us, few even cheered us. I could her singing some old tune, probably from Madonna.Her eyes are closed and she's just enjoying the music like she's has not heard music in long time. She was flowing with the music.

Gosh how do I land up in such situations. I obviously can't do anything with her. She's my wife's best friend. Well a good friend, if not best. She will tell everything to her. Yeah so I knew what I had to do, I had to control myself.

I pay the bill while holding her with my arm. She was leaning completely onto me saying something in her mother tongue now. I book a cab. It was already 11pm and I thought this was the end. I looked at my mobile 13 missed calls. All from her. My wife soon to be ex.

"I love you baby" she says as I guide her out of the cab and start to move towards her apartment. I tell her to give me the key to the door. She just turns her purse upside down. I see 100 lipsticks, combs, nail polish, hair-clips and some other shit. Somehow I manage to get the key, and open the door. I throw her on her bed and get the fuck out.

"Do you have a cigarette.?" I ask the cab driver. He offers me a full pack of cigarettes. I take a deep puff one and look at the stars. They feel like they are about to crumble. Perhaps its not the earth's sky but only mine. The street lights are flickering and making long shadows of light poles. I see dogs desperately trying to find something of value in a pile of garbage. And that's not very different from what I am doing with my life.

*** This is the 4th part of a multi-post series. For other parts of the story please explore the Blog. ***

Rape Me My Friend.

A lot of power, a lot of truth, a lot of pain, a lot of anger, a lot of shame, a lot of light, a lot of grief, a lot of sickness, a lot of ignorance, a lot of bravery, a lot of symbolism, a lot of significance.

This was what the documentary was about, except a lot more.

India, our India. The fastest developing nation, the nation with world greatest mathematical discoveries and the land of Ayurveda, yoga and land where all the gods lived and everything great that has ever existed. But the fact is that this not that place anymore. It has been annihilated by poverty, ignorance, selfishness and by the lust for money, women and power.

So why did it happen. That's the biggest question that we need to ask. And what can we do about it ?

I outrightly reject the bullshit hypothesis of girl being at the wrong place at the wrong time and reacted in the wrong way. People who think along these lines are a failure and need immediate care. Though they form a large chunk of the population. That's a big worry.

The reason lies much more deeper than that. It lies in the psyche of the criminals, psyche of the society. And I don't blame the criminals alone, its a shame for all of us, all of the people of India. When you see these acts happening everyday in front of your eyes. So think it's okay do indulge in such acts. And everyone knows that they are happening but nobody has the balls to something about it because thats how the things have been and will be like forever.

The schools are teaching, oh yes they are. Schools are everywhere. Students like the victim went to about the same school as they the murderers went to. She must have seen such brutal scenes in her neighborhood. But I think it was the attitude of the parents, her own judgment that lead to development of diametrically opposite world views of the two. While the victim moved towards the light the murderers moved towards the darkness.

Who is to be blamed for that ? Every man has a choice always. Always. It's not alcohol that makes the decisions for you, it's your values, it's your surroundings, its the people around you. The line you draw between right and wrong , is very thin and is very contextual. What is acceptable and unacceptable is in your hands and always will be, unless you are a coward like the murderers.

The blame has to be taken by all of us and equally. All those who are neglecting that such things are happening, all those who are in power to do something about this but aren't. all those who don't have enough depth in the mind to understand why this is happening, all those who are using this as an excuse to gain leadership, all those who are understanding everything but changing the channel. Everyone is equally responsible for her death and everyone has equal right to attain atonement. We made them.


Talking of Mars Missions and Nuclear development doesn't makes sense when such things are happening in your background. You just can't let us heinous crimes happen and remain content in your satisfied city life. And please don't give me the crap argument that the criminals don't represent the modern Indian society, Fact is and remains that more than 50% people of India are living in extreme poverty and ignorance.

It's a big responsibility every Indian has to take and the time has come now. 'Cause if we don't do anything about it, it will explode our society soon. There are too many weak spots in the foundation of the Indian society that need to be cemented simultaneously as we build the higher stories.'Cause we all know what happens the buildings the weak foundations. They break down like a house of cards.

Lecher -III

The train is moving. I see outside the window, pulling the curtains aside. Dim, flickering yellow lights are all over. The trees are dancing in the night bending and spreading their branches like they are very happy. I take a deep breath without thinking much. The song in my earphones suddenly becomes too loud, I press the volume down button.

A pensive flash comes. I always thought I would do something good, big with my life. Like I was made to do something astonishing, world changing, that I will put a mark on the world. But nothing like that has happened till now. And I have no hopes that it will happen in the near future.

Pure white panties. With a cute flower shaped ribbon around the elastic. And through it I see small thin hairs that aren’t shaved ever, for it’s very difficult to reach there. Brown is the color of the skin. She’s bending to take something out of her bag. She’s unaware that anybody is looking at her. I see her from behind, I feel alive.

She’s wearing black thick glasses on a pointed nose. Few passion pimples on her face make me feel that she’s on top of her libido. Like a lava about to erupt. A book she’s reading, “The Immortals of Meluha”. Sitting clearly opposite to me on the lower berth, lying with her small breasts touching the berth she seems immersed in her book. She’s wearing pink tight pajamas, which clearly make her flesh palpable. She must be studying at a college, first year, DU most probably I think to myself. I feel much tensed.

I keep looking at her, though fearing she might glance at me sometime. But she doesn’t. She just keeps staring at her boring childish book. Her Long black hair, make her look bit mysterious to me. They are shiny, and oily. Like a mystified creature calling for attention. They are like a wrong turn with sparkling lights which entices you to change direction. I know she can’t ever think that I’m thinking so much about her. She doesn’t even know that I’m here, that such people exist. She thinks world is a beautiful place.

I change my direction, and take the dirty blanket above my body in this heat. I curve like a newly born baby, trying to enclose my body in as small area as possible. I shut my eyes tightly. Darkness with sporadic never-ending waves of light is all I see. The surface of berth is rough and inhumane. The sound of the train is too heavy to bear.

I unzip my pants. I can already feel that I’m excited, no surprises. I slid the underpants down, it feels rousing. It’s thick, and solid, pointing. The veins are protruding, flowing with rush of blood. I start going into a different world, slowly. I imagine her standing naked in front of me, deeply embarrassed. She covers her bosoms with her hands and closes her legs to hide her bushes. I move them away with my hands. She bites her lips and looks in the other direction.

I’m moving very quickly now, with my chin lifted and any minute it will be done. Sometimes it feels much automated, devoid of any feelings, like a green plant in desert. Nothing comes out of it. But it’s like a mundane job, which has to be completed without any goal attached to it; it has to be finished because it makes everything else stop.

Everything comes to a momentary still, and I let everything go with a long breath. I relax and
move my hand away from the sticky mess. I fall asleep.

Final station is about to arrive. A train worker arrives and Informs that final stop is coming
soon and wakes everyone up. I wear my shoes and go towards the washroom to brush my
teeth. I see that she’s still sleeping, calmly. I feel like telling her something that I don’t even
know. I see myself in the mirror, my beard is over grown and the skin has become pale, and
eyes red. Maybe I’m suffering from more diseases than I know. I touch my nose it feels
tender with bruises on the edges. I sense my cheek bone with my fingers, and they hurt
severely. I don’t remember how.

The freshness in the toothbrush is the best thing I have felt in ages. I open the side-door of the
train. The dawn is breaking people are coming out of their houses and going for morning
walks. Birds are flying high and chirping in the misty sky. The wind is new, devoid of any
wrong doing, calling for a change, hitting against my face. I’m barely able to open my eyes
against the fast wind, but I try. Tears flow from the sides of my eyes. I can see the sun
coming out, spreading it brilliance and I sincerely hope that this day is different from the
bygones. And then I see her.


*** This is the 3rd  part of a multi-post series. For other parts of the story please explore the Blog. *** 

Love the Goal or Love the Process ?

So few days back I met an old friend after a long time. We were chatting casually and I can't remember how but a debate started. The debate was gentle in the beginning but it moved towards being fierce and finally concluded by both us of agreeing to disagree.

After the debate was over I came home and thought much about it. Below I have jotted down some points about my understanding and digging bit deep.

The topic of the debate is , "Are people motivated more by the goal or by the process ? or is it subjective ?" to explain it a bit further, do people love the goal so much that they can go through any process to achieve it or people just love a certain process which they follow and in consequence achieve something worthy which wasn't a goal a priori.

Let me begin with the describing first side of the argument i.e goals are more important. We all have heard about people who have climbed highest peaks, people who cross english channels and people who sacrificed their lives while making the first airplane. All these people don't care much about the process they have to go through. Goal is the only thing in their mind and that's what keeps them going. Everytime they are stuck on a problem they remind themselves about the goal and keep moving forward, without caring about extracting happiness from day-to-day activities. Achieving the final goal i.e climbing the mountain is the only thing care about and they can take any pain, any displeasure in the pursuit of it.

Other type of people are who love the process and don't need big goals to do something. It's easier to understand these kind of people. Artists, scientists, sportsmen all love their respective fields. Musicians love to compose, play music, sportmen love to play sports, and scientists love the process of science. They don't want a well described goal such as winning a certain tournament, music award as their primary cause of satisfaction. They care about their day-to-day activities and that makes them happy. They may have short term day-to-day goals but it's not a big goal that is making them work day in day out. In a way you can say that everyday process is the goal for them.

Now anything you do has essentially two parts i.e a goal and a process. Both of these elements are interdependent. I will explain two scenarios where focus on one and not other will lead to undesirable results.

First scenario, where you only care about the goal and not much about the process. Say you are motivated by the goal of making an airplane. You are ready to do anything to make one airplane. You start with full enthusiasm but only if you follow the process properly step by step can you achieve the goal. You will have to love the process to move towards the goal, there is no other way to achieve the goal in the optimum way. You might achieve the goal without loving the process too but that won't be optimum.

Other scenario is that care only about loving the process say making music. Everyday you wake up and first thing you do is to play music. In that case if you don't have a goal like performing with a band, your learning may not be optimum. You will be investing time and effort but you might be learning as much as you can. Once you have a defined goal of performing in front of a big crowd you get new burst of energy and enthusiasm. You start working more carefully, more systematically, putting in more effort and pushing yourself. Without a goal you can be a good music player but a goal always pushes you to become better.

Now which scenario you fit to is entirely up to your personal tastes. I fit the second one and I agree that there can be people who are more motivated by a big goal. I believe that an optimum way to do anything would be to do something that you love and that moves you towards a goal which you would like to achieve. Most of the people these days consider this as the definition of a desirable career. But again the final question of satisfaction remains subjective hence can't be answered by anyone else than you. Some people might be fully satisfied playing in a small band and others won't be satisfied even by achieving a big goal.

The strategy of loving the final goal might distract you from the process and cause lot of frustration if you don't achieve the goal but still you can ever do away with the process. Infact there are some goals which are so big that they can't be achieved in a life time. In those cases it's ok to make progress in incremental steps and love the process. Most of the goals that require strong domain expertise can't be achieved only by motivations towards the goal but more importantly it requires years of dedication and hard work. As Thomas Edison appositely put it, "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration"

On the other hand loving only the process might cause unhappiness when you reflect back on your life or when someone asks you about your accomplishments. You might feel that you have achieved little less than you could have.

Loving the process not only maximises your happiness, it also gives you a good shot at anything you want to achieve and keeps you focused. Goals may change from time to time, mostly they tend to become bigger and bigger, but the process remains the same. Once you have understood the process, there won't be much difficulty in achieving the goals you care about.

Good luck, all power to you.

New year Resolutions : 2015

1. Read more books
2. Travel more
3. Watch more movies
4. Develop deep thinking
5. Figure out the goal
6. Work on that goal
7. Be calm and composed
8. Laugh more
9. Run
10. Eat better
11. Stop wasting time on Facebook 
12. Keep searching beauty
13. Stop lying
14. Stop giving advice
15. Meditate
16. Meet new people 
17. Journey within myself
18. Learn music
19. Not give promises
20. Write more.