It won't go away. The memories are forever and they will keep on haunting you, hurting you.
Things could have been better, different but they aren't. Many reasons you can give why things
aren't like the way you wanted them but are those reasons any good? It's not a theoretical debate
going on here..it's your fucking life. And you can't lie to yourself.
I think a lot. A lot why two people are different and why they are same. We all can understand each
other with varying degrees of perception. This is magical knowing that our brains are so differently
wired, so many permutations and combinations are possible.Still we can feel the same pain and see
the beauty in the same way in same things .
Time goes on and things keep on changing but people... they remain the same thinking that they
have changed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I receive a call from an unknown but familiar number.
“Hey how are you? ...I was in the city..came from the same route as I used to come. Reminded me
of a lot of old things..Thought at least I should call give you a call”
“Great..Ha ha !! I remember everything quite distinctly every place we went to every bench we
have sat upon ..but ..”
“So I'm here with my friends at Brigade road, can you come ?”
“ Why? .. You want me to meet your new boyfriend?”
“No..”
“ Then?”
“ It's up to you I'm not forcing!”
“Just kidding, of course I can..but I can't stay for long, just 30 minutes? Would it be fine?”
“ Suit yourself, it's OK even if you don't come”
“I am coming only because you called me...”
“ Ok great..don't come ..bye”
Call disconnected.
I dial back after a gap of 5 minutes, just not to seem desperate.
“What happened , I was just kidding”
“So?”
“Where should I come and when and are you alone?”
“See you are coming only because you want to meet me, not because I asked you to come.”
“OK”
“ I'm near Brigade Road just come there and call me , come around 6:30”
“ OK..I think I can make it”
“Hope to see you!!”
Standing in my apartment's balcony, I light a cigarette and take a deep puff. I see birds flying
randomly in the foreground of a setting orange sun trying to make their way home. I calculate that it
was about 2 years, 5 months and 3 days since I last met her. Many things must have changed during
this time, I feel grown up little more in several aspects. From talking for 5 hours every day to
talking once in a year was a quite drastic change and some days I didn't even think about it. But I
knew I had to go, no other option existed.
I had to meet her to see all the changes in her. Has she grown fatter, fairer? Does she still have the
same loud style of laughing or she has become little sophisticated? does she still have the fruity
odour; are the pimples on her face gone away or are they still there adding to her charm. Has she
become too mature, boring or is she still crazy about politics and e-commerce websites. Is she still a
fan of South India food or her taste buds have changed with time. Lot of questions I had to ask and
the time had come.
I started my bike with multitude of thoughts racing through my head. What if she doesn't like my
new look, I do have become little withered out and old, with thin shoulders and smaller waist. Few
of my hair have turned grey, and my beard is overgrown. I just hoped that she's not able to figure
this out. My shirt had lots of folds as it wasn't ironed properly. I tried hard removing them but
couldn't then left I was getting late.
Cool breeze was blowing through my hair as I was cruising along the road. I stop at a traffic signal.
Amidst numerous dust particles, beggars and horns from millions of car on the road my attention
was focused on only single thought. Every second a thought about how she will feel when she will
look at me was hitting my head. My heart was racing lightening fast.
My cell rings
“Where are you?”
“Just to about reach ..coming coming,, can you come down a little ?”
“I am already at the end of the road”
“Alright 5 mins I will be there”
“You are always late. ..”
The traffic signal turns green.
Finally
I see a girl in white , looking confused , waiting for someone. I am sure that is her, but I am stuck in
traffic not able to reach her. I call her ,
“See on your left, I am on a bike wearing blue helmet I am waving my hand”
“Where ? Where? I can't see you..come fast!”
“I can see you ..you look”
“Where Oh ….”
“What's with the broad spectacles? You copied my style!', she shouts.
'No..when did you have these?', I reply.
'They should be little thinner.'
'You have grown fatter..but you are looking sexy! '
'Oh yeah I know need to reduce a lot, have already started going for morning runs'
'So where should we go? '
'I don't know some place good.'
'That's a good plan '
I start the bike and keep going forward with the flow of traffic. No destination was in my mind but I
knew we will end up in some place good. Waiting at a signal I see the huge U.B City towers and
asked her if she wanted to go Biere Pub.
'No, I have plans of drinking with my friends',
'Only one pint we'll drink. Just for the old times sake'
'No I don't think it's a good idea. '
'Yeah ..but bad ideas are more fun! Anyway if you don't want..',
'Ok let's go..but I will have only one glass and then I will leave'
'Sure..'
The pub was crowded as I had expected, so we had to sit at the bar counter. Actually it's fun to sit
there with waiter filling your glass automatically every time you look to the other side. It felt cosy
inside, sitting with so many people who are sipping on beverages and talking about all there is to
talk about and more. I kept looking at her trying to find something that I didn't even know.
She starts, “You can do whatever you want to do, there's no restriction at all. People celebrate their
honeymoons there.”
“Oh really but it's too late now..I mean most of the people come there after doing jobs and all so it's
not a big thing. I think some are even married.”
“Yeah but most of my friends broke up with their long distance boy friends and have made new
partners at the college..It's hard to control yourself in such an atmosphere”
“What about you?” I asked, feeling little scared.
“Haha I got myself one too. He's sweet and innocent . And wants to marry me”
“So ..you going for it?”
“No of course not. Maybe I would have If he hadn't been a Christian also …”
“Oh come on I tried to persuade you for marriage for so long and I'm not a Christian”
“Haha plus he's not good at it”
“Oh......haha so you have done with him too.. Oh my god..”
“What is so surprising about it? Boys can do whatever they want but girls can't. It's not that I have
cheated someone by double dating at least I'm not a hypocrite”
“It's not about cheating ..but.., I thought girls only do it when they are in love and boys do it
whenever they can..”
“Pure bullshit”
“So you liked it”
“Yes but not that much.”
“So was I better? Really” . I say excitedly.
“Yeah better than him but not better than the other guy is was with in Pune. He was best. He was a
monster.”
“Come on he was 40 years old with so much of experience I don't think I can compete with him he
must have been inside many different geographies”
“Once we did 12 times a day, 12 times and he could hold it as long as I wanted”
“That guy had some physical problem I would say, 12 times isn't humanly possible. He was sick for
sure”
“Hehe and darling your 12 seconds a day isn't also physically fit also”
“Oh come on..I can last longer now”
“hahahaa”, we laugh out loud together. People give us strange looks.
She takes a deep sip of the beer and gives me a seductive look. I was sure that it didn't mean
anything but I wished she did. I was looking at her trying to find out the changes in her but I
couldn't she seemed absolutely same to me as she was 2 years ago. Her sweet smile, her hair, her
broad lips, her brown eyes, her sparkling teeth, he fluffy cheeks, her pimples everything was same
just as the way it was when I left. Like she has been untouched all this time or maybe I got into a
time wrap and travelled to the past. But the thing is even if she had totally changed still would want
her as much as I wanted her now.
“So you find any changes in me?” I asked.
“Yes you have become little thinner and I don't know bit boring..”
“Oh really. I have my way”
“Yes you always had.”
“You know one day I was sitting in the bus and I looked at my phone. There was no message or
call. I felt calm. “
“So you weren't happy when I used to call you every day?”, she cries.
“I am so glad that we separated”
“Yes I know otherwise we would done that after marriage and that would have been disastrous. But
you know I don't feel bored with you as I feel with other guys” She added,
“Haha..yeah all the time we are fighting so much maybe that's why. You always think that you are
right when you are never.”
“Darrling I am most of the times right. And you think that you know everything when in reality you
have just seen few crappy movies and read a few shitty books and know nothing about real life.”
“I have seen enough ma'am. I have been through ups and downs” I retort.
“Yes you have..here we go again”
“So how long now since your mother's ..?”
“WHY?”
I could see tears in her eyes.
“You just fuck off. Why the hell you have to bring it up all the time. I know she's gone and she can't
come back and I know that. I never even look at her pictures, but why do you have to bring it up??”
“I am sorry. I thought you would feel better, hate my poor social skills. I'm really sorry dear didn't
mean to hurt you ..really”
“I feel very bad for dad, he's all alone. Me and my brother will get married and have a happy life.
But dad ..I feel very sad for him”
“You can always live with him after marriage”
“Yes I will. I will never leave him. He is so cute. I love him.” she said with tears dripping down.
“I also felt the pain when it all happened. I cried also. But the point is nothing you can do about it.
Some things are not in our control.”, I said feeling wetness in my eyes.
“Please don't give me such fake advice. I know what to do.”
“I'm just trying to help you.”
“But you are not helping”
“Ok. You know everything. You have the strength”
“Yeah when something like this happens you automatically get the strength to deal with this”
“Ok can we please change the topic I'm sorry I brought it up”
We say nothing for 5 minutes.
We talk about some old friends and what they were doing with their lives. Shreya had broken up
with the guy every one used to think of as an angel, after she caught him with a girl in his house.
Ananya was dating her boss. And Shaumya's dad had an heart attack. Vishank had moved to Canada
for higher studies and sometimes in the night he pinged her on Facebook and tried to flirt with her.
“So that's it. 8:00 pm on the clock I have to leave” I start to leave
“Oh...so soon .please stay for little more, even I will leave in 15 mins”, she says.
“Sorry I can't . My friend is waiting for me at a place. I have to meet him”
“OK fine if that's what you want. But please give me a hug before you go”
I hug her tightly. I hold her trembling body and feel her warm breath on my shoulder. I can feel her
soft breasts on my chest but I don't feel anything erotic about it. I look at her face and see that her
eyes are closed , she whispers 'Thanks for coming'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wave goodbye and move towards the door. I glance back at her and see that she was looking at me
and then she blows a kiss. I smile and return the kiss back to her. I feel calm.
As I reach outside of the restaurant I see a lot of people stranded as it had been raining heavily.
Whole of the street is filled with rainwater with numerous papers floating in it. Bangalore has
turned into one of those island cities that are separated by canals and linked by bridges. Many
vehicles are stuck in the clogged waters and people with their trousers folded up and
handkerchiefs on their head are trying to cross the waters. Though I never go out in the rain but
that day I felt like drenching in the rain. Not thinking too much I go out in the pouring rain. The rain
is smooth, cold and it is therapeutic, it is all that I ever needed, wanted. I realize that it is
the thing that was missing from my life. It made me complete. I can't say anything more but these
lines from Happy Rhodes about how I felt that day.
Things could have been better, different but they aren't. Many reasons you can give why things
aren't like the way you wanted them but are those reasons any good? It's not a theoretical debate
going on here..it's your fucking life. And you can't lie to yourself.
I think a lot. A lot why two people are different and why they are same. We all can understand each
other with varying degrees of perception. This is magical knowing that our brains are so differently
wired, so many permutations and combinations are possible.Still we can feel the same pain and see
the beauty in the same way in same things .
Time goes on and things keep on changing but people... they remain the same thinking that they
have changed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I receive a call from an unknown but familiar number.
“Hey how are you? ...I was in the city..came from the same route as I used to come. Reminded me
of a lot of old things..Thought at least I should call give you a call”
“Great..Ha ha !! I remember everything quite distinctly every place we went to every bench we
have sat upon ..but ..”
“So I'm here with my friends at Brigade road, can you come ?”
“ Why? .. You want me to meet your new boyfriend?”
“No..”
“ Then?”
“ It's up to you I'm not forcing!”
“Just kidding, of course I can..but I can't stay for long, just 30 minutes? Would it be fine?”
“ Suit yourself, it's OK even if you don't come”
“I am coming only because you called me...”
“ Ok great..don't come ..bye”
Call disconnected.
I dial back after a gap of 5 minutes, just not to seem desperate.
“What happened , I was just kidding”
“So?”
“Where should I come and when and are you alone?”
“See you are coming only because you want to meet me, not because I asked you to come.”
“OK”
“ I'm near Brigade Road just come there and call me , come around 6:30”
“ OK..I think I can make it”
“Hope to see you!!”
Standing in my apartment's balcony, I light a cigarette and take a deep puff. I see birds flying
randomly in the foreground of a setting orange sun trying to make their way home. I calculate that it
was about 2 years, 5 months and 3 days since I last met her. Many things must have changed during
this time, I feel grown up little more in several aspects. From talking for 5 hours every day to
talking once in a year was a quite drastic change and some days I didn't even think about it. But I
knew I had to go, no other option existed.
I had to meet her to see all the changes in her. Has she grown fatter, fairer? Does she still have the
same loud style of laughing or she has become little sophisticated? does she still have the fruity
odour; are the pimples on her face gone away or are they still there adding to her charm. Has she
become too mature, boring or is she still crazy about politics and e-commerce websites. Is she still a
fan of South India food or her taste buds have changed with time. Lot of questions I had to ask and
the time had come.
I started my bike with multitude of thoughts racing through my head. What if she doesn't like my
new look, I do have become little withered out and old, with thin shoulders and smaller waist. Few
of my hair have turned grey, and my beard is overgrown. I just hoped that she's not able to figure
this out. My shirt had lots of folds as it wasn't ironed properly. I tried hard removing them but
couldn't then left I was getting late.
Cool breeze was blowing through my hair as I was cruising along the road. I stop at a traffic signal.
Amidst numerous dust particles, beggars and horns from millions of car on the road my attention
was focused on only single thought. Every second a thought about how she will feel when she will
look at me was hitting my head. My heart was racing lightening fast.
My cell rings
“Where are you?”
“Just to about reach ..coming coming,, can you come down a little ?”
“I am already at the end of the road”
“Alright 5 mins I will be there”
“You are always late. ..”
The traffic signal turns green.
Finally
I see a girl in white , looking confused , waiting for someone. I am sure that is her, but I am stuck in
traffic not able to reach her. I call her ,
“See on your left, I am on a bike wearing blue helmet I am waving my hand”
“Where ? Where? I can't see you..come fast!”
“I can see you ..you look”
“Where Oh ….”
“What's with the broad spectacles? You copied my style!', she shouts.
'No..when did you have these?', I reply.
'They should be little thinner.'
'You have grown fatter..but you are looking sexy! '
'Oh yeah I know need to reduce a lot, have already started going for morning runs'
'So where should we go? '
'I don't know some place good.'
'That's a good plan '
I start the bike and keep going forward with the flow of traffic. No destination was in my mind but I
knew we will end up in some place good. Waiting at a signal I see the huge U.B City towers and
asked her if she wanted to go Biere Pub.
'No, I have plans of drinking with my friends',
'Only one pint we'll drink. Just for the old times sake'
'No I don't think it's a good idea. '
'Yeah ..but bad ideas are more fun! Anyway if you don't want..',
'Ok let's go..but I will have only one glass and then I will leave'
'Sure..'
The pub was crowded as I had expected, so we had to sit at the bar counter. Actually it's fun to sit
there with waiter filling your glass automatically every time you look to the other side. It felt cosy
inside, sitting with so many people who are sipping on beverages and talking about all there is to
talk about and more. I kept looking at her trying to find something that I didn't even know.
She starts, “You can do whatever you want to do, there's no restriction at all. People celebrate their
honeymoons there.”
“Oh really but it's too late now..I mean most of the people come there after doing jobs and all so it's
not a big thing. I think some are even married.”
“Yeah but most of my friends broke up with their long distance boy friends and have made new
partners at the college..It's hard to control yourself in such an atmosphere”
“What about you?” I asked, feeling little scared.
“Haha I got myself one too. He's sweet and innocent . And wants to marry me”
“So ..you going for it?”
“No of course not. Maybe I would have If he hadn't been a Christian also …”
“Oh come on I tried to persuade you for marriage for so long and I'm not a Christian”
“Haha plus he's not good at it”
“Oh......haha so you have done with him too.. Oh my god..”
“What is so surprising about it? Boys can do whatever they want but girls can't. It's not that I have
cheated someone by double dating at least I'm not a hypocrite”
“It's not about cheating ..but.., I thought girls only do it when they are in love and boys do it
whenever they can..”
“Pure bullshit”
“So you liked it”
“Yes but not that much.”
“So was I better? Really” . I say excitedly.
“Yeah better than him but not better than the other guy is was with in Pune. He was best. He was a
monster.”
“Come on he was 40 years old with so much of experience I don't think I can compete with him he
must have been inside many different geographies”
“Once we did 12 times a day, 12 times and he could hold it as long as I wanted”
“That guy had some physical problem I would say, 12 times isn't humanly possible. He was sick for
sure”
“Hehe and darling your 12 seconds a day isn't also physically fit also”
“Oh come on..I can last longer now”
“hahahaa”, we laugh out loud together. People give us strange looks.
She takes a deep sip of the beer and gives me a seductive look. I was sure that it didn't mean
anything but I wished she did. I was looking at her trying to find out the changes in her but I
couldn't she seemed absolutely same to me as she was 2 years ago. Her sweet smile, her hair, her
broad lips, her brown eyes, her sparkling teeth, he fluffy cheeks, her pimples everything was same
just as the way it was when I left. Like she has been untouched all this time or maybe I got into a
time wrap and travelled to the past. But the thing is even if she had totally changed still would want
her as much as I wanted her now.
“So you find any changes in me?” I asked.
“Yes you have become little thinner and I don't know bit boring..”
“Oh really. I have my way”
“Yes you always had.”
“You know one day I was sitting in the bus and I looked at my phone. There was no message or
call. I felt calm. “
“So you weren't happy when I used to call you every day?”, she cries.
“I am so glad that we separated”
“Yes I know otherwise we would done that after marriage and that would have been disastrous. But
you know I don't feel bored with you as I feel with other guys” She added,
“Haha..yeah all the time we are fighting so much maybe that's why. You always think that you are
right when you are never.”
“Darrling I am most of the times right. And you think that you know everything when in reality you
have just seen few crappy movies and read a few shitty books and know nothing about real life.”
“I have seen enough ma'am. I have been through ups and downs” I retort.
“Yes you have..here we go again”
“So how long now since your mother's ..?”
“WHY?”
I could see tears in her eyes.
“You just fuck off. Why the hell you have to bring it up all the time. I know she's gone and she can't
come back and I know that. I never even look at her pictures, but why do you have to bring it up??”
“I am sorry. I thought you would feel better, hate my poor social skills. I'm really sorry dear didn't
mean to hurt you ..really”
“I feel very bad for dad, he's all alone. Me and my brother will get married and have a happy life.
But dad ..I feel very sad for him”
“You can always live with him after marriage”
“Yes I will. I will never leave him. He is so cute. I love him.” she said with tears dripping down.
“I also felt the pain when it all happened. I cried also. But the point is nothing you can do about it.
Some things are not in our control.”, I said feeling wetness in my eyes.
“Please don't give me such fake advice. I know what to do.”
“I'm just trying to help you.”
“But you are not helping”
“Ok. You know everything. You have the strength”
“Yeah when something like this happens you automatically get the strength to deal with this”
“Ok can we please change the topic I'm sorry I brought it up”
We say nothing for 5 minutes.
We talk about some old friends and what they were doing with their lives. Shreya had broken up
with the guy every one used to think of as an angel, after she caught him with a girl in his house.
Ananya was dating her boss. And Shaumya's dad had an heart attack. Vishank had moved to Canada
for higher studies and sometimes in the night he pinged her on Facebook and tried to flirt with her.
“So that's it. 8:00 pm on the clock I have to leave” I start to leave
“Oh...so soon .please stay for little more, even I will leave in 15 mins”, she says.
“Sorry I can't . My friend is waiting for me at a place. I have to meet him”
“OK fine if that's what you want. But please give me a hug before you go”
I hug her tightly. I hold her trembling body and feel her warm breath on my shoulder. I can feel her
soft breasts on my chest but I don't feel anything erotic about it. I look at her face and see that her
eyes are closed , she whispers 'Thanks for coming'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wave goodbye and move towards the door. I glance back at her and see that she was looking at me
and then she blows a kiss. I smile and return the kiss back to her. I feel calm.
As I reach outside of the restaurant I see a lot of people stranded as it had been raining heavily.
Whole of the street is filled with rainwater with numerous papers floating in it. Bangalore has
turned into one of those island cities that are separated by canals and linked by bridges. Many
vehicles are stuck in the clogged waters and people with their trousers folded up and
handkerchiefs on their head are trying to cross the waters. Though I never go out in the rain but
that day I felt like drenching in the rain. Not thinking too much I go out in the pouring rain. The rain
is smooth, cold and it is therapeutic, it is all that I ever needed, wanted. I realize that it is
the thing that was missing from my life. It made me complete. I can't say anything more but these
lines from Happy Rhodes about how I felt that day.
When the rain came down — I was standing in the green
My soul was touched by every tree that my eyes could see
I am in peace, in love, in harmony — when the rain comes
down
When the rain came down — melded with my tears
When the rain came down — flow away the fears
When the rain came down — bigger than the sea
When the rain came down — then came me.
1 comment:
As someone had truly said ..
"Nobody really moves on ..just the interpretation of memories change..""
This story feels so close and so pure ..would really like to see it screened ....
Post a Comment