Lecher VIII

After my wife left me I was free, again. I was alone, I was bored. I was empty. I was like a silent room where nobody has entered for years.

Two people living together is very tough. It's hard to listen to each other so much , to see other again. But you get used to it. And you stop seeing the other person, hearing the other person.

Is this is how it supposed to be? Is this is how everyone feels? It sucks man. I hope there is something more real than this, something more authentic.

Every night after office I used to watch Office on my laptop and laugh like crazy. I knew everything that happens in the office still watching that on a smaller screen made me laugh. But inside it felt so fake, like a hollow wet wooden block.

I am happy there is none to tie us together. That is to say no kid in the house. Otherwise I don't know what we would have done. I think about the people who have kids and when they separate it must be very tough for the children. The age they are in is not one of witness such cruelties of human nature . That age to be in ignorance . To be in illusion that the world is such a beautiful place to live where after every 4 months you get a break of 2 months , and you get ice-cream every Saturday while watching T.v. I wish life was like that.

That time when we went for our honeymoon. It was chilly as hell, we spent the whole night hugging each other . I could feel the smell of her skin, The small hair that covered her body like leaves of tress of cover a garden. She looked so peaceful, she looked like ice. And I was doing nothing but just witnessing her.

First morning we visited lot of temples and went for rock climbing. She led me to different places and I followed her because that's what you do when you are in love. The relationship was building, but it did feel like there was something broken. Something weak beneath the surface. Something I can't penetrate. Something that separated our souls and something that can't be broken.

Maybe we were just different, but that covering never dissolved and the formalities never ended. I am a person who wants to explain everything in words, in better words. To make it emotional to make very romantic, like an old letter. But she didn't care about such things. She was lost somewhere else. Somewhere I couldn't ever reach . As a song says, "There were oceans between me and her".

When I signed the sheet , I looked at her she was like a statue. She was expressionless, devoid of life. I was breaking inside, with trembling hand, handed over the pen to her. I hope she did remember that day that we spent 7 years together, fighting life.

I have felt inner peace while sitting with her watching sunset, hand in hand. I have been drenched in the rain with her, and ran to get a place under a crowded shed, and sipped hot tea. I used to look to analyse what she is made up of. But that's the beauty of human soul. You can't see it, understand it ..you can only feel it.

It's okay. I can go on living. I can go on smiling. I can go looking at the stars. I can visit beaches, listen to old songs , and maybe cry a lot. But I don't why all this happened. I have been searching a lot. But I think, some questions don't have an answer.  Or maybe they aren't the questions they are the answers.

Untouchable

The soul is untouchable. The body is touchable. It's not the surface that matters. Its what happens deep beneath you. The turmoil that you are going through. How to resolve that storm? Only you can and you can.

The clarity. Don't give a shit about what people think , feel. People are mostly stupid and conclude very prematurely. Of course it's not their life, they don't give a shit if their opinion is miscalculated. It's your life. Be the best manager of your life. Take it as a project. Have great vision about what you want to do with your life. It will take sometime to achieve that vision and to feel awake. But try everyday, every night to see the vision. In the end if  you are satisfied with your decisions that's what is going matter.

Don't see other people and feel pressurized. Everyone is following their own vision and working hard. And of course everyone is different and yes everyone is creative. Some are lucky and some are not. But only the ones working hard can make use of the luck.

Said this I think doing something is after all more important than choosing what to do. It's a very subjective problem and the answer lies somewhere inside you so stop looking outside. Keep working everyday and believe in yourself . Your eyes will open soon.

Unbelievable

What the fuck. How much sin does one man commit before he can't commit anymore. How much bad has a man got to be, before he breaks all the limits. It's what people make you appear , and they try their best to make you appear worst. And after sometime even you start believing it. That you are a bad bad person. But of course you are NOT.

People have their world views. And in those views they are a hero. A hero can't be wrong. Well same applies to me but I try to be as much objective as possible. Well in the end everyone of us is full of shit, and I have even admitted it many a times. But people well they think that they are almost alright and everyone else is cheating them, victimizing them. They have always been right and unfortunately met many assholes along the way. Well this maybe true but once we start seeing from different perspectives we lose what is what and who is who.

As you grow up, you get calmer. I would wish this to my best friends. The calmness the patience. I think it is the key to having a good life, not great life, well I don't know what that is. But I have seen, I don't feel so bad now when I am falsely accused by people. They scream I am a bad man. Though I feel bad sometimes but then I try to analyze it from an outsider view and feel satisfied.

A wise man once said that you got to choose your battles and I can assure you man most of the battles you might feeling like fighting won't be worth it. But the thing is that it will take sometime for you to recognize which one are and aren't.

I feel like a rock sometimes. A rock that nothing can break. I think that is what ultimately what everyone is going towards. To not succumb under any external pressure , physical, mental, emotional. Not to be afraid of anything or anyone. Though it's very difficult to be like this but with time I think people move towards it. 'To be a rock, but not to roll'

As Kant says Enlightenment is the point where you don't need anyone else to judge whatever you are doing and whatever you did is right or wrong. And mostly I think you got to back yourself and believe in yourself. Once you get the sense of right and wrong in your world view, nothing can shake you. But before you build such a view think a lot, think a lot about morality and ethics and justice and freedom. Understanding of these things is very important for one to be called as a true human. And thats what the goal of life should be. Coming out of the cave.

Many people never come out of their caves and what a dark life they live. Struggling everyday, getting bruised , everything is acceptable but not trying to move towards light is not. It's like living a dead man's life. There are already lot of people out there who were courageous enough to come out. They can surely help you in your endeavor but all the steps you and only you have to take. And it all start with one step.

Lecher - VI

The problems have started to emerge. I can't concentrate much. Every 2 minutes I have to look at my phone or check my email. Are these early signs of OCD ? I don't know, I hope not.

I was a good student at college I remember. One who everyone thought was sincere, teachers and students alike. I always paid attention in the class. Used to take notes and people used to copy them. The college went smoothly and I was getting along like flowing water.

There were not many subjects I was particularly interested in . But one course I remember really blew my mind away. It was a cognitive science course. To explain a bit further about how brain works. And  first class I entered the professor was speaking about the duality of mind and the brain.
"What's the difference between mind and the brain ? The mind is the output of the brain, like a software running on top of the hardware. So mind is like the operating system and brain is like the hardware i.e the processor, RAM etc. But of course it's not that simple. "
Somebody asked " How mind is made from brain ? Where is it ? Can we see it ? "
Professor replied " It's very hard to answer that question. The answer to it lies in the theory of monism or dualism. i.e If you believe that mind and brain which is also called body different things or the same things. But how mind is created from brain is the biggest question philosophers, scientists and psychologists are tackling right now"
 "The soul is also equated with the mind in many of the Religious philosophies like the Hindusim etc"
"So some people say that soul remains forever and body dies are in a way pointing out that the body and soul are two different things."

I came back to my room and my mind was bundling with questions. "What about computers do they have a mind? " I searched for it on the Internet and found some information. Though computers can do computation have a greater level than humans but they can't engage in a conversation with a human. That's the level of sophistication you need to be called a human is to pass a test called Turing test. In this test you interact with a machine and a human at the same time. You are unaware of who is who. You ask them questions and after certain time if you are unable to figure out the difference between which is which then the machine has passed the test. Till date no machine has passed that test.

That got me thinking why we can't make a computer that can think. Of course we will have to make artificial brain cells but artificial cells have already been made haven't they ? If we make a thinking machine it will be humans only so what's the difference would be there then. A movie called Blade Runner I think shows a future where artificial bots have been created that are not easily distinguishable from humans and they are creating havoc. If something like this is created in the society in future we are sure to doom. Plus of course if they have a mind of their own they can plan to fight against you. And computers can be easily scaled by adding processors and thus a superhuman can be easily made. Oh man what the ...

What characters would you install in your robot. A human-like robot that you can make. Of course in the start everyone wants to make robots to help us grow. Like a sub-ordinate, a helper, an enabler. But what if someone made a human those who can love them. Well of course everyone is need of love and affection. It's a human need. Man these thoughts just blew my mind away.

Sometimes I think maybe we could make a robot who can understand us. How can be the perfect life partner. Because I have failed many times in being understood and in understanding people. And I think many other people too face these problems. Constant fighting, ego clashes, these are bound to happen. It will be great if such a machine can be made that doesn't fight with you. This process of reconciliation between two individuals is fairly complex and with time it's getting more and more complex. Mostly females I can't comprehend. Males on the other hand are fairly simple. Females are emotionally convoluted and advise to read between the lines. They are like poetry.

Lecher - V

What is it to be a man? Its difficult. It's to enjoy the quiet. It's to smoke a cigarette with a friend. It's to drink beer while watching football. Its to cry while watching a war movie. It's to give it all. It's to hit back hard. It's to run for miles till the whole water from your body is washed away. It's to look at the sky at the free birds flying and take a deep breath. It's to get hundred scars on your body and not utter a word. It's to smile and its keep moving ahead, drinking the cough syrup. It's to take the shock in your brains and the eat the fucking cold shit out of a refrigerator. It's to fuck, its to get sucked.

Lecher - IV

My wife left me. She had to. I made her to. Money made her to. My constant carnal hunger made her to. And the funny thing is that I can't even remember that I was married to her. Wasn't it a nightmare ? A false memory.

"We won't have a child till you become a manager and I get promoted to Senior consultant" she would say every time I pretended of being a father who wants a child. The truth is I also didn't want any either, but had to pretend so that she doesn't feel that I'm weird. Though sometimes she kept staring at me for a long time continuously, like trying to find something lost inside my eyes.

Her friend Shweta. Well she was sweet and she was hot and she was fat. She was from Southern part of India. Like the ones you see in the movies at Xhamster. But she wasn't that easy to impress. Or maybe she just pretended not to get impressed.

"Do you want to have a drink? I'm really pissed off " Shweta calls me around 7 pm on a Wednesday evening. "I don't know Monil must be waiting for me. She told me that she will come early today" I reply, screaming inside on a potential opportunity loss.
"OK..but I think it won't take much time. We will leave in an hour. I promise" she obviously seemed pushy. And I don't think I have the power to turn down such a chance. So I agree.

You feel that energy inside yourself like you are going to get something that you have never had before. Though it's true some times but it lets you down most of the time. But every time the excitement is bubbling to the same extent irrespective of whatever happened the last time. And this time wasn't any different at all.

I won't forgot that day for many reasons both good and bad. But it did change my life to take a different course, a better course. A path I was meant to take sooner or later.

So I reach the pub. Not many people were inside it as it was just about to be 8pm. I see few couples sitting and talking about I don't know what shit. Maybe about somebody's facebook status or some photo or some guy who got married or maybe some ten-things-fuckers-say kind of posts.

Finally she came wearing black one-piece dress, kind of revealing I would say. She also wore a necklace that was quite unusual. And when I looked at her feet she wore an anklet. Well you can say that she came totally prepared for it and that's how I like it, maybe she understood my frequency though I never said a thing to her ever.

We order few drinks and nothing to eat. Who wants to eat when you can drink alcohol. Well food, it pollutes alcohol and the conversation.

"My boss is an asshole. He doesn't know shit. How dare he say such bloody things to me. I have 6 years of experience in this field. And he.. well he just fresh out of college. idiot." she started. "It's ok. You don't have to take his words so seriously. They are given instructions to be such bloodsucking monsters otherwise they will get fired." I reply trying to calm her. "Yes I know but he should have basic decency to talk to his seniors. Common manners I can expect from anyone working in such a big company. Can't I ? "

"Yes you can but not everyone is like that. There are people like that everywhere in the industry, in the government everywhere. Best thing you can do is to learn how to deal with them, identify their soft spots."

"Maybe someday I will. But you know I think I'm too weak for all this, I need a support system"

I knew where this was going.

"Why don't you get yourself a boyfriend. You can get any guy, you put your finger on"
"Hahaha.." she laughs looking into my eyes, and moving fingers through her black silky hair. I imagine her biting her lips.

"Can I tell you something? "
"Yes sure"
"Promise you won't tell it to anyone"
"Promise"
"No you will"
"No I won't"
"You are too cute. If you weren't married I would have .."
"Haha. Come on, stop being so generous. But yes thanks."
I smile and take a deep sip of JD that I had ordered. I look around the pub and see few people have come while I was busy chatting with her. I see a girl wearing a kind of white top where your shoulders are visible. I think this is one of the most magnificent dress a woman can put on.

"So no one ever proposed to you ? I can't believe it."
"Yes of course lots have proposed "
"And you have rejected all? Didn't like any one of them? High standards."
"Yes I few. Actually I am not looking for flings these days. It's about time I get married. So I am not in a mood for just waste my time"
Damn it.

"I can understand. "
"But this is a pain. Why does one have to get married. I am happy single. I earn well, I have a home and a car. Why then I have to give all away. Everyone I talk to these days is asking me when I am committing suicide. It's hard being an educated , well earning and single girl ."
"Yes that's the society for you. Parents don't understand because their times were different than ours. And we ourselves can't understand their Point. But I think it's upto us, it's our life. We have all the right to live it as we want to. As they say be the master of your ship"

It's sudden and its soft and its wet. I find myself  lip locked, in a deep French kiss. It seemed like she hadn't kissed anyone in a long time, maybe never, but then how was she such a great kisser. I slowly close my eyes, not thinking much about the people staring at me. This kiss is one the longest I have had in a long time and it was certainly much satisfying. I try gently push her away but shes strong attached to me like a newly born baby. Finally we are separated probably to due to asphyxiation.

She is totally drunk, I can see that. But that's not a reason to kiss your friend's husband. She is definitely inot me and this isn't the only milestone that she wants to achieve with me. She wants to go further and I can't stop myself in accompanying her.

"Let's go on. I think you have had a little too much. "
"No. I want to drink more. Hell I want to dance."
"Dance. There's no music to dance"

Suddenly some jazz music turns on

"But I can hear it. It's good enough to dance."
"But you are too drunk to dance It's ok you can dance in your apartment. Plus I have to leave Monil must be waiting for me"
I look at my mobile. No missed calls. Strange. She must be busy with something, maybe just tired and slept already. Strange still.

She got up and started shaking her body. What the .. . Though I was bit drunk too, but I wasn't in any mood for shenanigans. I tried to calm her down but she wouldn't stop. I had to get up and she put her arms my shoulders. And then her head near my head. It was like a movie , as suddenly everything was so fine, so resonant. So I played along and we were there slow dancing in a burning room as John Mayer would put it.

I put my arms around her waist, and guide her to the less bright corner of the pub. I think everyone was looking at us, few even cheered us. I could her singing some old tune, probably from Madonna.Her eyes are closed and she's just enjoying the music like she's has not heard music in long time. She was flowing with the music.

Gosh how do I land up in such situations. I obviously can't do anything with her. She's my wife's best friend. Well a good friend, if not best. She will tell everything to her. Yeah so I knew what I had to do, I had to control myself.

I pay the bill while holding her with my arm. She was leaning completely onto me saying something in her mother tongue now. I book a cab. It was already 11pm and I thought this was the end. I looked at my mobile 13 missed calls. All from her. My wife soon to be ex.

"I love you baby" she says as I guide her out of the cab and start to move towards her apartment. I tell her to give me the key to the door. She just turns her purse upside down. I see 100 lipsticks, combs, nail polish, hair-clips and some other shit. Somehow I manage to get the key, and open the door. I throw her on her bed and get the fuck out.

"Do you have a cigarette.?" I ask the cab driver. He offers me a full pack of cigarettes. I take a deep puff one and look at the stars. They feel like they are about to crumble. Perhaps its not the earth's sky but only mine. The street lights are flickering and making long shadows of light poles. I see dogs desperately trying to find something of value in a pile of garbage. And that's not very different from what I am doing with my life.

*** This is the 4th part of a multi-post series. For other parts of the story please explore the Blog. ***

Rape Me My Friend.

A lot of power, a lot of truth, a lot of pain, a lot of anger, a lot of shame, a lot of light, a lot of grief, a lot of sickness, a lot of ignorance, a lot of bravery, a lot of symbolism, a lot of significance.

This was what the documentary was about, except a lot more.

India, our India. The fastest developing nation, the nation with world greatest mathematical discoveries and the land of Ayurveda, yoga and land where all the gods lived and everything great that has ever existed. But the fact is that this not that place anymore. It has been annihilated by poverty, ignorance, selfishness and by the lust for money, women and power.

So why did it happen. That's the biggest question that we need to ask. And what can we do about it ?

I outrightly reject the bullshit hypothesis of girl being at the wrong place at the wrong time and reacted in the wrong way. People who think along these lines are a failure and need immediate care. Though they form a large chunk of the population. That's a big worry.

The reason lies much more deeper than that. It lies in the psyche of the criminals, psyche of the society. And I don't blame the criminals alone, its a shame for all of us, all of the people of India. When you see these acts happening everyday in front of your eyes. So think it's okay do indulge in such acts. And everyone knows that they are happening but nobody has the balls to something about it because thats how the things have been and will be like forever.

The schools are teaching, oh yes they are. Schools are everywhere. Students like the victim went to about the same school as they the murderers went to. She must have seen such brutal scenes in her neighborhood. But I think it was the attitude of the parents, her own judgment that lead to development of diametrically opposite world views of the two. While the victim moved towards the light the murderers moved towards the darkness.

Who is to be blamed for that ? Every man has a choice always. Always. It's not alcohol that makes the decisions for you, it's your values, it's your surroundings, its the people around you. The line you draw between right and wrong , is very thin and is very contextual. What is acceptable and unacceptable is in your hands and always will be, unless you are a coward like the murderers.

The blame has to be taken by all of us and equally. All those who are neglecting that such things are happening, all those who are in power to do something about this but aren't. all those who don't have enough depth in the mind to understand why this is happening, all those who are using this as an excuse to gain leadership, all those who are understanding everything but changing the channel. Everyone is equally responsible for her death and everyone has equal right to attain atonement. We made them.


Talking of Mars Missions and Nuclear development doesn't makes sense when such things are happening in your background. You just can't let us heinous crimes happen and remain content in your satisfied city life. And please don't give me the crap argument that the criminals don't represent the modern Indian society, Fact is and remains that more than 50% people of India are living in extreme poverty and ignorance.

It's a big responsibility every Indian has to take and the time has come now. 'Cause if we don't do anything about it, it will explode our society soon. There are too many weak spots in the foundation of the Indian society that need to be cemented simultaneously as we build the higher stories.'Cause we all know what happens the buildings the weak foundations. They break down like a house of cards.

Lecher -III

The train is moving. I see outside the window, pulling the curtains aside. Dim, flickering yellow lights are all over. The trees are dancing in the night bending and spreading their branches like they are very happy. I take a deep breath without thinking much. The song in my earphones suddenly becomes too loud, I press the volume down button.

A pensive flash comes. I always thought I would do something good, big with my life. Like I was made to do something astonishing, world changing, that I will put a mark on the world. But nothing like that has happened till now. And I have no hopes that it will happen in the near future.

Pure white panties. With a cute flower shaped ribbon around the elastic. And through it I see small thin hairs that aren’t shaved ever, for it’s very difficult to reach there. Brown is the color of the skin. She’s bending to take something out of her bag. She’s unaware that anybody is looking at her. I see her from behind, I feel alive.

She’s wearing black thick glasses on a pointed nose. Few passion pimples on her face make me feel that she’s on top of her libido. Like a lava about to erupt. A book she’s reading, “The Immortals of Meluha”. Sitting clearly opposite to me on the lower berth, lying with her small breasts touching the berth she seems immersed in her book. She’s wearing pink tight pajamas, which clearly make her flesh palpable. She must be studying at a college, first year, DU most probably I think to myself. I feel much tensed.

I keep looking at her, though fearing she might glance at me sometime. But she doesn’t. She just keeps staring at her boring childish book. Her Long black hair, make her look bit mysterious to me. They are shiny, and oily. Like a mystified creature calling for attention. They are like a wrong turn with sparkling lights which entices you to change direction. I know she can’t ever think that I’m thinking so much about her. She doesn’t even know that I’m here, that such people exist. She thinks world is a beautiful place.

I change my direction, and take the dirty blanket above my body in this heat. I curve like a newly born baby, trying to enclose my body in as small area as possible. I shut my eyes tightly. Darkness with sporadic never-ending waves of light is all I see. The surface of berth is rough and inhumane. The sound of the train is too heavy to bear.

I unzip my pants. I can already feel that I’m excited, no surprises. I slid the underpants down, it feels rousing. It’s thick, and solid, pointing. The veins are protruding, flowing with rush of blood. I start going into a different world, slowly. I imagine her standing naked in front of me, deeply embarrassed. She covers her bosoms with her hands and closes her legs to hide her bushes. I move them away with my hands. She bites her lips and looks in the other direction.

I’m moving very quickly now, with my chin lifted and any minute it will be done. Sometimes it feels much automated, devoid of any feelings, like a green plant in desert. Nothing comes out of it. But it’s like a mundane job, which has to be completed without any goal attached to it; it has to be finished because it makes everything else stop.

Everything comes to a momentary still, and I let everything go with a long breath. I relax and
move my hand away from the sticky mess. I fall asleep.

Final station is about to arrive. A train worker arrives and Informs that final stop is coming
soon and wakes everyone up. I wear my shoes and go towards the washroom to brush my
teeth. I see that she’s still sleeping, calmly. I feel like telling her something that I don’t even
know. I see myself in the mirror, my beard is over grown and the skin has become pale, and
eyes red. Maybe I’m suffering from more diseases than I know. I touch my nose it feels
tender with bruises on the edges. I sense my cheek bone with my fingers, and they hurt
severely. I don’t remember how.

The freshness in the toothbrush is the best thing I have felt in ages. I open the side-door of the
train. The dawn is breaking people are coming out of their houses and going for morning
walks. Birds are flying high and chirping in the misty sky. The wind is new, devoid of any
wrong doing, calling for a change, hitting against my face. I’m barely able to open my eyes
against the fast wind, but I try. Tears flow from the sides of my eyes. I can see the sun
coming out, spreading it brilliance and I sincerely hope that this day is different from the
bygones. And then I see her.


*** This is the 3rd  part of a multi-post series. For other parts of the story please explore the Blog. *** 

Love the Goal or Love the Process ?

So few days back I met an old friend after a long time. We were chatting casually and I can't remember how but a debate started. The debate was gentle in the beginning but it moved towards being fierce and finally concluded by both us of agreeing to disagree.

After the debate was over I came home and thought much about it. Below I have jotted down some points about my understanding and digging bit deep.

The topic of the debate is , "Are people motivated more by the goal or by the process ? or is it subjective ?" to explain it a bit further, do people love the goal so much that they can go through any process to achieve it or people just love a certain process which they follow and in consequence achieve something worthy which wasn't a goal a priori.

Let me begin with the describing first side of the argument i.e goals are more important. We all have heard about people who have climbed highest peaks, people who cross english channels and people who sacrificed their lives while making the first airplane. All these people don't care much about the process they have to go through. Goal is the only thing in their mind and that's what keeps them going. Everytime they are stuck on a problem they remind themselves about the goal and keep moving forward, without caring about extracting happiness from day-to-day activities. Achieving the final goal i.e climbing the mountain is the only thing care about and they can take any pain, any displeasure in the pursuit of it.

Other type of people are who love the process and don't need big goals to do something. It's easier to understand these kind of people. Artists, scientists, sportsmen all love their respective fields. Musicians love to compose, play music, sportmen love to play sports, and scientists love the process of science. They don't want a well described goal such as winning a certain tournament, music award as their primary cause of satisfaction. They care about their day-to-day activities and that makes them happy. They may have short term day-to-day goals but it's not a big goal that is making them work day in day out. In a way you can say that everyday process is the goal for them.

Now anything you do has essentially two parts i.e a goal and a process. Both of these elements are interdependent. I will explain two scenarios where focus on one and not other will lead to undesirable results.

First scenario, where you only care about the goal and not much about the process. Say you are motivated by the goal of making an airplane. You are ready to do anything to make one airplane. You start with full enthusiasm but only if you follow the process properly step by step can you achieve the goal. You will have to love the process to move towards the goal, there is no other way to achieve the goal in the optimum way. You might achieve the goal without loving the process too but that won't be optimum.

Other scenario is that care only about loving the process say making music. Everyday you wake up and first thing you do is to play music. In that case if you don't have a goal like performing with a band, your learning may not be optimum. You will be investing time and effort but you might be learning as much as you can. Once you have a defined goal of performing in front of a big crowd you get new burst of energy and enthusiasm. You start working more carefully, more systematically, putting in more effort and pushing yourself. Without a goal you can be a good music player but a goal always pushes you to become better.

Now which scenario you fit to is entirely up to your personal tastes. I fit the second one and I agree that there can be people who are more motivated by a big goal. I believe that an optimum way to do anything would be to do something that you love and that moves you towards a goal which you would like to achieve. Most of the people these days consider this as the definition of a desirable career. But again the final question of satisfaction remains subjective hence can't be answered by anyone else than you. Some people might be fully satisfied playing in a small band and others won't be satisfied even by achieving a big goal.

The strategy of loving the final goal might distract you from the process and cause lot of frustration if you don't achieve the goal but still you can ever do away with the process. Infact there are some goals which are so big that they can't be achieved in a life time. In those cases it's ok to make progress in incremental steps and love the process. Most of the goals that require strong domain expertise can't be achieved only by motivations towards the goal but more importantly it requires years of dedication and hard work. As Thomas Edison appositely put it, "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration"

On the other hand loving only the process might cause unhappiness when you reflect back on your life or when someone asks you about your accomplishments. You might feel that you have achieved little less than you could have.

Loving the process not only maximises your happiness, it also gives you a good shot at anything you want to achieve and keeps you focused. Goals may change from time to time, mostly they tend to become bigger and bigger, but the process remains the same. Once you have understood the process, there won't be much difficulty in achieving the goals you care about.

Good luck, all power to you.

New year Resolutions : 2015

1. Read more books
2. Travel more
3. Watch more movies
4. Develop deep thinking
5. Figure out the goal
6. Work on that goal
7. Be calm and composed
8. Laugh more
9. Run
10. Eat better
11. Stop wasting time on Facebook 
12. Keep searching beauty
13. Stop lying
14. Stop giving advice
15. Meditate
16. Meet new people 
17. Journey within myself
18. Learn music
19. Not give promises
20. Write more.

Lecher - II

I married the wrong girl. What the fucking fuck, how can I marry the wrong girl. What was I thinking or wasn't thinking anything at all. I saw her photo on the internet, and I became blind. She was as white as pure marble with red tinged cheeks, long pointed nose, soft pink lips, big limitless eyes filled with mascara, hair falling down her face like brush strokes of a renaissance painting. Nothing less than a film star. I couldn't believe how can a girl like her say yes to me. I thought this was my golden compensation god has given me for all the shit that has happened to me all my life. But boy was I wrong.

It started at a local restaurant. She was wearing a black short skirt and a white top with flowers all around. I could see through her top that she is wearing a red bra. I can kill for a red bra, its the sexiest thing a girl can wear. I keep visiting lingerie sites to see girls displaying red bras. Her thighs were looking like the road to heaven, white, alluring, enticing, forcing you to gaze into them. She wore long heels with shiny cheap jewelry all around the rim.  I had to cross my legs for it was too much for me too handle.

"So how are you? I'm so glad you could meet me. "  she started.
"I was dying to meet you."
"Oh come on don't flatter me "
"No I'm not. I'm praying you say yes to me"
"Not so soon baby" and she laughs little too loudly and bites her lips, the guys from the nearby table stare at us.

"I keep looking at your pictures, all the time. In the office, while travelling, while reading, while eating. I am getting addicted to your beauty" I confess.
"Awww! baby, I like it so much when you say this"
"I can say this all the time but we are getting late for the movie. Lets leave for it soon"
"Yes lets go"

I see her from behind, and imagine how would they look without any covering. Will it feel good to spank them with the palm of my hand, making a sharp sound, of course it will.
We leave for the nearby cinema hall.

It is an evening show but the movie isn't so popular so I didn't expect much crowd to show up. I get the tickets and finally we enter the hall.

So the movie begins. It's a story of an English king who can't control his speech. I lose interest soon.

I always think why it's so dark inside the movie theater, it's not that we can't see the movie in the bright light. I think has a rather deeper purpose to it.

So shes sitting besides me staring at the movie screen. I look at her side face . She is immersed in the movie, sitting innocently like a baby. She looks like an angel, an angel who has step down to meet me for reasons unknown. After sometime my eyes roll down her body automatically. I don't know why this happens but I would assume it's natural.  Her cleavage is my drug. The separation two white breasts attracts me like fresh food pulls a tramp.

I whisper "I love you", she doesn't listen. I repeat reaching for her ear this time "I love you baby". She says, " What?" "I said I love you" , she looks at me with teary eyes. "I love you too"

She holds my hand tight, fingers crossed in fingers. I could feel her finger rings. She glances at me smiles and keeps on watching the movie. I have no interest in the movie at all so I look at the people sitting nearby. I see a teenage boy sitting in the row next to mine with an elderly lady, maybe his mother. But something doesn't feel right with the way they are sitting, arm in arm.


I turn towards her and see the reflection of the movie falling on her chest. Unintelligible color flashes are moving through her hair. She looks towards me I quickly put on my hand on her neck. I feel it slowly until she can't stop looking at me. Her neck is so smooth and soft and it full of blood. I can feel that she's trembling, and breathing slowly like on a chill winter morning. She says "Stop .. Please " but I don't 'cos I can't.

I let my right hand slide inside her bra. She gives me a shocking look like she has seen a ghost. They feel so soft so warm and so big. I am sure she has never been touched before like the way I'm touching her. I caress her hard nipples and she shrinks herself taking a deep breathe in. I try to embrace all the area of it so that nothing is left behind, and nothing is unconquered. There's a sound and she suddenly she throws my hand out. I sit back, stare at the dark endless roof top and close my eyes.

During the interval, I go to the rest room. On my way I see a girl standing with a guy from my office.  Shes a bit chubby but her black spectacles, and red lipstick give her a seductive look. I look at her and She stares into my eyes, smiles. I move past her.
As I start doing my thing, suddenly I hear, "Hey man you came here for the movie?"
"Oh hi, yes. But it wasn't a good decision"
"Man I have come here with a girl I met on an internet forum. She's amazing"
"Really. Every girl is amazing if you ask me"
"Oh yeah brother, I will tell you the whole story later. Ok see you at the office."

The movie starts again and I feel dizzy. That girl is still on my mind. I can sense the signals and most often my intuition is right. My girl is saying something to me but I'm not able to hear it due to loud sound of the movie, I just nod my head.

"Baby you look so beautiful while watching the movie" , she doesn't seem to hear it. I again look at all the people sitting in front of me the boy sitting in the front row is now kissing the lady I thought to be his mother. That's too much for me.

I grab her hand and put it on top of my zip. She doesn't understand at first but soon she comprehends. And she tries to pull her hand back, but I don't allow her to.  I pull it out of my pants and place it in her hand. She looks it me totally flummoxed and speechless. "Just do it slowly", " What? ... NO "

I guide her hand slowly over my organ, make her hold it and move it up and down. She is hardly interested in doing this. But she keeps doing it. After some time I leave her hand and she continues while watching movie. "Its so huge, when will it be done?" "Soon enough, hold it from the bottom and go till the top" "That's what I'm doing."

You go into a zone, a pleasurable zone where nothing can hurt you but only make you excited. Its relaxing, like putting aching feet in hot water, or changing into your comfortable clothes. Your breath rate, heart rate increases and sometimes you shiver too, and become thoughtless in the end.

So we leave for the door. And she puts her arm around my arm leaning a bit on my shoulder. It's chilly outside and I'm feeling satisfied. Few bikers go past us, staring at my girl and passing some lewd comments. I stand there saying nothing to them, and she looks at me expecting that I would do something in revolt. But I don't.

We take a cab and move towards our home. She doesn't talk to me during whole of the journey and keeps on looking outside the window. I fall asleep on the backseat while listening to the radio.


*** This is the 2nd part of a multi-post series. For other parts of the story please explore the Blog. ***

Lecher - I

I am a lecher. A lecherous man. A man who can’t control himself, a man whose devils have killed his angels. Is it biological, psychological, sociological, anthropological? Or is it not? Either way doesn't make a difference. I can’t live without it. I’m an addict I guess, that’s how they define people like us. But why did this happen? How did I get onto this path? Where is it leading? I don’t know. All I care about is finding something new, something untouched something that can be reveled upon and then ripped apart like a new set of gifts into glistering pieces. I decide to stop at many points but this comes up again like a ball that is forced down a pool. What is that I need, what is my cure? I don’t know maybe I’m cursed to live in this fire forever, maybe to die in this.

                                                                                *

She’s with me on my bed. I see her breasts move up and down while she’s riding on top of my abdomen. They are not too big but they look like smooth hills with brown bulges at the top. I caress them gently and roll my fingers on the nipples. They become red, warm. She closes her eyes tightly while moving her head sideways and upwards, in a slow motion. I can see that her body is so white as milk with small black moles which seem like planted on purpose to make it more artistic. With slender arms which are on my shoulders, she moves her body slowly up and down, as if starting a fire in my vital parts. I hold her tightly from her waist and I know I will make deep impressions on her skin but I don’t care. I want her to take me as much inside of her as possible and then some more. I want to travel inside and get completely entrenched in the shell of her body.

I force her to get on all fours, and she obeys like a scared bitch. The long black hair hanging from her shoulders, make her look like a mare. Her behinds are so full of flesh like overfilled cushions only much softer, demanding attention. I pat them with my hand and they produce a crack sound. She looks towards me from the corner of her eyes, crying for sympathy but I know she wants more and she can’t wait for it. I hold both the butt-cheeks with my hands and part them to reveal her priced oversexed pussy. I take my finger and keep moving it along the surface of the pussy, as if testing it like a doctor. I feel every nearby area but never enter the cave. She can’t hold it any longer I know, her time bomb is ticking.

The wait is getting harder, my mind is getting heavier, and our hearts are beating faster.I pull her hair towards myself as I enter her from behind, with a jerk. Like a master I am commanding her when to stop and when to go start. She’s my slave. I put my hand into her mouth and ask her to bite and she bites as hard as an obedient dog bites on a bone. She keeps on biting until I’m forced to take my hand out oozing with pain and slap her face. She doesn't say anything. My whole body is trembling with joy and pleasure; small drops of my sweat fall on her hourglass shaped waist with accumulating on the bone running through its middle. I scratch the surface of her back as if it is my last hope of survival and I’m falling down a cliff, drops of blood appear. The rhythmic moaning continues incessantly until I fall on her back, tired after infusing her with my fluid, feeling little lighter, warmer, and wet.

                                                                                  *

She’s looking at me. No she isn't. Of course she is staring. Oh I love that. I love dusky girls with minimal makeup, black hair and shinning nose rings. This is the type I like the most. My penchant. I order 60ml Johnnie Walker whiskey on the rocks. I always like it on the rocks, when it has a strong flavor. Water erodes its taste and smell and I can’t tolerate that. I wonder what normal people think when they come to a bar. I can think of only one thing. Everyone has a life; everyone has a job and hobbies, hopes and dreams. I have only one.

I can see her pointed nipples. Maybe she’s not wearing a bra or it’s something else. They have come out after hearing a signal. She’s wearing a black top which is made up of a thin transparent cloth. Sometimes she bends a little down to listen to her friends in the crowded noisy atmosphere and I can see what she is made up of. How to devour her I know quite well and I can sense she can feel my presence. She seems fresh like a moist leaf in the morning. I’m sure when I will unpack her she’ll say continuously stop me and simultaneously help me to take her clothes off by rising her hands. Her treasure will be untouched and pious, and the perfect sacrament for my gods.

She’s smiling way too often trying to tell me something but can’t in the presence of her friends. Being drunk off course, she knows where to look. I am staring in her bottomless eyes with concentration of a black tiger not moving even a bit, not leaving any trace. My legs are folded above each other in a silly manner like a snake rolled around a tree in quite desperation.I get up to pay the bill and start to move towards her. She’s not looking towards me but I can’t look anywhere else. I’m about to reach her and she startlingly moves her head above, towards me. I take her head firmly into my hands and bend down to kiss her lips. Time moves a bit slower than usual.

Just as I’m about to touch them I feel a strong push on my ribs and I fall on the floor. It seems like a dream, with lights too heavy and the ruckus too loud to comprehend anything. I forget where I am.

--- to be continued ---

Shit Entrepreneurs say

1. So they raised funding, we will also raise soon, after our product gets 13545 downloads
2. There is no Market man, otherwise we would have been millionaires
3. We are artists man, we don't care about money
4. I'm going for higher studies, I always wanted to be a scientist
5. My foreigner friend is ready to invest in our startup ** friend goes invisible **
6. I don't feel hungry man ** slowly picks food from other's plate **
7. I like KF strong the best, budd chadti nahi yaar
8. My college crush said "hi CEO ;)" to me
9. Man, I want to change the world ** logs into facebook **
10. A VC said that our product is very interesting ** sends linkedin request **
11. This will work man, this will definitely work
12. I knew this won't ever work
13. Feel aa rahi hai yaar
14. It has been a great learning experience
15. What we are making is world changing ** goes into the loo  **
16. Only problem is that nobody is investing in us, otherwise ...
17. We work even during weekends man, weekdays we can relax a bit
18. We work hard during weekdays man, weekends we can relax a bit
19. I want to make a movie on our life
20. I'm writing a book about our lives
21. Oye, they raised another ....efefrfrrfckk...

It Rained Love.

It won't go away. The memories are forever and they will keep on haunting you, hurting you.
Things could have been better, different but they aren't. Many reasons you can give why things
aren't like the way you wanted them but are those reasons any good? It's not a theoretical debate
going on here..it's your fucking life. And you can't lie to yourself.

I think a lot. A lot why two people are different and why they are same. We all can understand each
other with varying degrees of perception. This is magical knowing that our brains are so differently
wired, so many permutations and combinations are possible.Still we can feel the same pain and see
the beauty in the same way in same things .

Time goes on and things keep on changing but people... they remain the same thinking that they
have changed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I receive a call from an unknown but familiar number.
“Hey how are you? ...I was in the city..came from the same route as I used to come. Reminded me
of a lot of old things..Thought at least I should call give you a call”
“Great..Ha ha !! I remember everything quite distinctly every place we went to every bench we
have sat upon ..but ..”
“So I'm here with my friends at Brigade road, can you come ?”
“ Why? .. You want me to meet your new boyfriend?”
“No..”
“ Then?”
“ It's up to you I'm not forcing!”
“Just kidding, of course I can..but I can't stay for long, just 30 minutes? Would it be fine?”
“ Suit yourself, it's OK even if you don't come”
“I am coming only because you called me...”
“ Ok great..don't come ..bye”
Call disconnected.
I dial back after a gap of 5 minutes, just not to seem desperate.
“What happened , I was just kidding”
“So?”
“Where should I come and when and are you alone?”
“See you are coming only because you want to meet me, not because I asked you to come.”
“OK”
“ I'm near Brigade Road just come there and call me , come around 6:30”
“ OK..I think I can make it”
“Hope to see you!!”

Standing in my apartment's balcony, I light a cigarette and take a deep puff. I see birds flying
randomly in the foreground of a setting orange sun trying to make their way home. I calculate that it
was about 2 years, 5 months and 3 days since I last met her. Many things must have changed during
this time, I feel grown up little more in several aspects. From talking for 5 hours every day to
talking once in a year was a quite drastic change and some days I didn't even think about it. But I
knew I had to go, no other option existed.

I had to meet her to see all the changes in her. Has she grown fatter, fairer? Does she still have the
same loud style of laughing or she has become little sophisticated? does she still have the fruity
odour; are the pimples on her face gone away or are they still there adding to her charm. Has she
become too mature, boring or is she still crazy about politics and e-commerce websites. Is she still a
fan of South India food or her taste buds have changed with time. Lot of questions I had to ask and
the time had come.

I started my bike with multitude of thoughts racing through my head. What if she doesn't like my
new look, I do have become little withered out and old, with thin shoulders and smaller waist. Few
of my hair have turned grey, and my beard is overgrown. I just hoped that she's not able to figure
this out. My shirt had lots of folds as it wasn't ironed properly. I tried hard removing them but
couldn't then left I was getting late.

Cool breeze was blowing through my hair as I was cruising along the road. I stop at a traffic signal.
Amidst numerous dust particles, beggars and horns from millions of car on the road my attention
was focused on only single thought. Every second a thought about how she will feel when she will
look at me was hitting my head. My heart was racing lightening fast.

My cell rings
“Where are you?”
“Just to about reach ..coming coming,, can you come down a little ?”
“I am already at the end of the road”
“Alright 5 mins I will be there”
“You are always late. ..”
The traffic signal turns green.

Finally
I see a girl in white , looking confused , waiting for someone. I am sure that is her, but I am stuck in
traffic not able to reach her. I call her ,
“See on your left, I am on a bike wearing blue helmet I am waving my hand”
“Where ? Where? I can't see you..come fast!”
“I can see you ..you look”
“Where Oh ….”
“What's with the broad spectacles? You copied my style!', she shouts.
'No..when did you have these?', I reply.
'They should be little thinner.'
'You have grown fatter..but you are looking sexy! '
'Oh yeah I know need to reduce a lot, have already started going for morning runs'
'So where should we go? '
'I don't know some place good.'
'That's a good plan '
I start the bike and keep going forward with the flow of traffic. No destination was in my mind but I
knew we will end up in some place good. Waiting at a signal I see the huge U.B City towers and
asked her if she wanted to go Biere Pub.
'No, I have plans of drinking with my friends',
'Only one pint we'll drink. Just for the old times sake'
'No I don't think it's a good idea. '
'Yeah ..but bad ideas are more fun! Anyway if you don't want..',
'Ok let's go..but I will have only one glass and then I will leave'
'Sure..'

The pub was crowded as I had expected, so we had to sit at the bar counter. Actually it's fun to sit
there with waiter filling your glass automatically every time you look to the other side. It felt cosy
inside, sitting with so many people who are sipping on beverages and talking about all there is to
talk about and more. I kept looking at her trying to find something that I didn't even know.
She starts, “You can do whatever you want to do, there's no restriction at all. People celebrate their
honeymoons there.”

“Oh really but it's too late now..I mean most of the people come there after doing jobs and all so it's
not a big thing. I think some are even married.”
“Yeah but most of my friends broke up with their long distance boy friends and have made new
partners at the college..It's hard to control yourself in such an atmosphere”
“What about you?” I asked, feeling little scared.
“Haha I got myself one too. He's sweet and innocent . And wants to marry me”
“So ..you going for it?”
“No of course not. Maybe I would have If he hadn't been a Christian also …”
“Oh come on I tried to persuade you for marriage for so long and I'm not a Christian”
“Haha plus he's not good at it”
“Oh......haha so you have done with him too.. Oh my god..”
“What is so surprising about it? Boys can do whatever they want but girls can't. It's not that I have
cheated someone by double dating at least I'm not a hypocrite”
“It's not about cheating ..but.., I thought girls only do it when they are in love and boys do it
whenever they can..”
“Pure bullshit”
“So you liked it”
“Yes but not that much.”
“So was I better? Really” . I say excitedly.
“Yeah better than him but not better than the other guy is was with in Pune. He was best. He was a
monster.”
“Come on he was 40 years old with so much of experience I don't think I can compete with him he
must have been inside many different geographies”
“Once we did 12 times a day, 12 times and he could hold it as long as I wanted”
“That guy had some physical problem I would say, 12 times isn't humanly possible. He was sick for
sure”
“Hehe and darling your 12 seconds a day isn't also physically fit also”
“Oh come on..I can last longer now”
“hahahaa”, we laugh out loud together. People give us strange looks.

She takes a deep sip of the beer and gives me a seductive look. I was sure that it didn't mean
anything but I wished she did. I was looking at her trying to find out the changes in her but I
couldn't she seemed absolutely same to me as she was 2 years ago. Her sweet smile, her hair, her
broad lips, her brown eyes, her sparkling teeth, he fluffy cheeks, her pimples everything was same
just as the way it was when I left. Like she has been untouched all this time or maybe I got into a
time wrap and travelled to the past. But the thing is even if she had totally changed still would want
her as much as I wanted her now.
“So you find any changes in me?” I asked.
“Yes you have become little thinner and I don't know bit boring..”
“Oh really. I have my way”
“Yes you always had.”
“You know one day I was sitting in the bus and I looked at my phone. There was no message or
call. I felt calm. “
“So you weren't happy when I used to call you every day?”, she cries.
“I am so glad that we separated”
“Yes I know otherwise we would done that after marriage and that would have been disastrous. But
you know I don't feel bored with you as I feel with other guys” She added,
“Haha..yeah all the time we are fighting so much maybe that's why. You always think that you are
right when you are never.”
“Darrling I am most of the times right. And you think that you know everything when in reality you
have just seen few crappy movies and read a few shitty books and know nothing about real life.”
“I have seen enough ma'am. I have been through ups and downs” I retort.
“Yes you have..here we go again”
“So how long now since your mother's ..?”
“WHY?”
I could see tears in her eyes.
“You just fuck off. Why the hell you have to bring it up all the time. I know she's gone and she can't
come back and I know that. I never even look at her pictures, but why do you have to bring it up??”
“I am sorry. I thought you would feel better, hate my poor social skills. I'm really sorry dear didn't
mean to hurt you ..really”
“I feel very bad for dad, he's all alone. Me and my brother will get married and have a happy life.
But dad ..I feel very sad for him”
“You can always live with him after marriage”
“Yes I will. I will never leave him. He is so cute. I love him.” she said with tears dripping down.
“I also felt the pain when it all happened. I cried also. But the point is nothing you can do about it.
Some things are not in our control.”, I said feeling wetness in my eyes.
“Please don't give me such fake advice. I know what to do.”
“I'm just trying to help you.”
“But you are not helping”
“Ok. You know everything. You have the strength”
“Yeah when something like this happens you automatically get the strength to deal with this”
“Ok can we please change the topic I'm sorry I brought it up”

We say nothing for 5 minutes.

We talk about some old friends and what they were doing with their lives. Shreya had broken up
with the guy every one used to think of as an angel, after she caught him with a girl in his house.
Ananya was dating her boss. And Shaumya's dad had an heart attack. Vishank had moved to Canada
for higher studies and sometimes in the night he pinged her on Facebook and tried to flirt with her.
“So that's it. 8:00 pm on the clock I have to leave” I start to leave
“Oh...so soon .please stay for little more, even I will leave in 15 mins”, she says.
“Sorry I can't . My friend is waiting for me at a place. I have to meet him”
“OK fine if that's what you want. But please give me a hug before you go”
I hug her tightly. I hold her trembling body and feel her warm breath on my shoulder. I can feel her
soft breasts on my chest but I don't feel anything erotic about it. I look at her face and see that her
eyes are closed , she whispers 'Thanks for coming'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I wave goodbye and move towards the door. I glance back at her and see that she was looking at me
and then she blows a kiss. I smile and return the kiss back to her. I feel calm.
As I reach outside of the restaurant I see a lot of people stranded as it had been raining heavily.
Whole of the street is filled with rainwater with numerous papers floating in it. Bangalore has
turned into one of those island cities that are separated by canals and linked by bridges. Many
vehicles are stuck in the clogged waters and people with their trousers folded up and
handkerchiefs on their head are trying to cross the waters. Though I never go out in the rain but
that day I felt like drenching in the rain. Not thinking too much I go out in the pouring rain. The rain
is smooth, cold and it is therapeutic, it is all that I ever needed, wanted. I realize that it is
the thing that was missing from my life. It made me complete. I can't say anything more but these
lines from Happy Rhodes about how I felt that day.

When the rain came down — I was standing in the green

My soul was touched by every tree that my eyes could see

I am in peace, in love, in harmony — when the rain comes

down

When the rain came down — melded with my tears

When the rain came down — flow away the fears

When the rain came down — bigger than the sea

When the rain came down — then came me.

Love Matters

It was done. It had killed me, just killed me. Life had no meaning, absolutely no meaning, 

mind-numbing  strange  anxiety  juxtaposed  with  racing  incoherent  thoughts.  Nothing  could 

give  me  peace,  and  that  was  the  way  it  was,  and  it  was  to  remain  like  that  forever.  I  was 

helpless, downtrodden, nomadic, clueless, soulless wanderer searching for a meaning, if there 

was one. Maybe the time was not right, maybe I had to learn much more, may be it was all a 

dream. But it was really a bad, a real bad one. 

I mean life doesn't stop for god's sake,  you have to fight against the strong waves moving 

forwards  or  backwards  or  sideways.  And  so  my  life  was  sifting  through  the  valley  of 

nonsense on the back of a motionless train halted at a station due to  broken track.  Everything 

else was flowing so fast, it was hard to  hold onto even the most precious things in life let 

alone the rotten junk, and beautiful shit you have accumulated during the golden years. But 

that was the way it was and nothing I could do about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Get  ready,  will  pick  you  up  at  5"  said  S,  "Yeah,  sure"  I  retorted.  We  were  going  to  the

marriage ceremony of  a friend of a friend of my friend  who lived some 200 miles away from

our place. Seemed like an inception of friendship. But I was eager, god damn dying to get out

of my apartment. So we marched on, but my mom as usual was suspicious about my trip,

"Koi ladkiyon ke saath picnic to nahi manane ja rahe?" as if I would have told her even if I

was. I so wished I was going with girls  to  some  hill station, but that was not the case, I had

signed up for a gay time.

Amazing lush green fields with huge trees along the borders  and sporadic scare-crows were

visible through the small window of our moving super deluxe coach. We were slowly going

towards  our  nameless  destination,  with  strong  wind  striking  our  faces,  talking  to  us.

Sometimes  when  you  see  such  a  view  after  a  long  time  you  feel  relaxed,  I  mean  you  can

breathe  again,  freely.  Going  nowhere  you  are,  you  know  that,  but  it  calms  your  mind  and

soul, it's therapeutic.

"Why you want to do that man, what's the point?" asked S when I told him that a guy from

my college was on a cycle tour from the bottom of the country, Kerala to Ladakh. I also want

to do that, or at least I think it will be  incredible. Meeting new people, talking to them, living

with them, seeing different facets of humanity, the hell-hole of traditions, it will be something

interesting in many ways. "What's the point of anything anyway, it's all ABSURD" I replied

and closed my eyes.

Finally our stop came and we got down from the bus. It was totally dark with very warm and

humid feeling.

"First class rickshaw sarkar, kahan jana hai, sawaari taiyaar hai’; "Sir chalo main le chalta 

hu, jaldi baitho" like ants near a spilled chunk of sugar, auto-wallas surrounded us, snatched

our bags, and pushed us in their auto. "Yeah V, we have  reached, meet us at the bus-stand" S

told  his  friend  V  who  was  coming  to  receive  us.  The  rickshaw  was  a  vehicle  that  was

optimally designed (read indo-vation) to fit maximum number of people in a given amount of

space and that is 100 people, in one rickshaw. 4 in front, 8 in middle, 50 flying, holding tight

at the back and few sitting on the top and remaining hanging at the bottom. 'Desire is the root

cause of all misery, no desire no misery. I want to earn only as much as I can spend" spoke S,

though I agreed with him but I didn't nod I just blabbered some foolish argument in response.

Passenger sitting next to me just looked at me and I thought he was going to kill me but he

just sighed. After sometime, I saw V waiting for us and we rushed out of the rickshaw.

"You know he has made a big mistake, he has made a big fool of all of us. His parents, his

friends, relatives I mean what was the need to do all this. I am totally ashamed." Told V when

we asked him about the marriage that was going to happen. "Why parents didn't agree?"  V

told us that neither of the parental sides had agreed to the love marriage. But bride and groom

had  already  officially  tied  the  knot  in  the  court.  "S  you  won't  believe  only  4  people  came

today to the  Baraat ceremony, two of them, me and bride's pet dog Jacky."Oh man, what a

sad sight that must have been I thought. Is it all really worth to take so much trouble to attain

what  you think  you  want? "His elder brother had so many plans for his marriage, after his

own  marriage  wasn't  that  great  due  sudden  death  of  a  young  cousin  on  the  night  of  his

marriage. His brother had decided that he will spend a lot on his brother's marriage, and had

been  saving  since  ages  but  now  see  what  has  happened!  Who's  responsible  for  this?"

continued V.

Picking our bags we went in search for a place for the night stay and some food to eat. V took

us to an eating joint "N this place has the most delicious chicken, its famous in the whole of

India, all those morons who don't like non-veg food should taste a bite of the chicken these

people also make mutton …" he said in a short breath. Having my bite of the chicken, which

was juicy and surprisingly mildly spicy I glanced at the view. The city looked dull and dusty

rattling in the noisy warm night. The orange street lights were dim and the roads were totally

disrupted. Few drunken men were roaming along the road, muddy cows were munching on

garbage and sapless street dogs were barking in the shadows. It was not a place I would like

to stay in for a long time, yet V  seemed ecstatic to be here. And S, well he was bus y on his

new Samsung phone, multi-chatting on the shittiest of the apps ever made by man, what-dapp.

We entered a hotel that smelled  like stale  woolen  clothes that are kept in a closed Cupboard

for over 10 years. "Sir all rooms are filled, we only have a double delight left, should I seal

that  for  you?"  muttered  the  hotel  receptionist  in  a  thick  Punjabi  accent.  A  Double  delight

room  for  3  males  how  GAY!  But  we  had  no  choice  so  we  sealed  it.  As  we  were  going

towards  our  room we looked at the ceiling of the corridor and it was broken, with pieces of

cement or whatever dripping down like rain.

"I don't know much but the A.C works perfectly fine. Glass is there, water bowl is there, T.V

remote is here and call 212 for anything else you need. 212" informed the hotel  boy who had

come along with us. "Let's quickly open the beer cans and eat the chicken" said V. "Yes man

we are really tired need some unwinding”.

Stories mostly related to their work, their manager, work colleagues were told by S and V. I

had nothing to  do, so just sipping on  beer I listened to them and realized  how much they hate

those people. Money makes the world go round, and not everyone can quit their job. I guess

it's a luxury not a right to do what you really want to do in life. Not everyone can afford that

luxury.

"This movie has no scene yar, it's just waste of time" complained S we watched  Hawas. True

the movie wasn't vulgar at all contrary to the title but it had many funny scenes. I can't recall

when I dosed off but it must have been while watching the movie.  The  bed was soft and the

new structure of the room, broken  ceiling was a welcome change. I  hadn't slept better in a

long time.

"Come guys what are you doing, we are going to be late for the reception' screamed V and

woke me up. I looked at the  watch and  it was just 8:30 am. The AC had made the room too

cold and I was lying  on the bed curled  like a zygote in a mother's womb refusing to leave it.

"It's going to be weird we 3 plus few other guests only. I hope nobody asks N who he is   and

what was he doing here?' said S. I replied "Yeah man, I am scared but you know I don't care

anymore, my life is pretty screwed up anyway. Besides I don't think anyone will ask this"

We got ready, and started moving towards the marriage hall. I didn't  take a bath cause the

water was too cold, anyway  I hardly ever take bath two days in a row that's a lot of wastage

of time and water. Fortunately the marriage hall was on the 4th floor of the same hotel  but

there  were  no  signs  of  a  marriage  party.  I  thought  it  was  too  early  that's  why  nobody  has

come as yet, "The function begins at 12 …sharp' shouted a tall guy standing next to me. My

heart was racing fast like on the night of an exam. I was wishing that everything goes alright

for last thing I would have liked to see was an unfortunate newly-wed couple. It would be

very depressing, maybe even more than my current life I thought.

We  took  a lift  to  the  Hall.  Hall  was  completely  empty,  except  for  2  people  decorating  the

stage with flowers. The flowers were bit wrinkled,  full of  thorns  symbolizing  the state of the

marriage  ceremony. It was about 11 am now, and yet no guest had come. I had never seen

such a marriage,  filled with  vacant  chairs  and so much  quiet.  I was feeling dizzy  so forced S

&V  to  leave  the  hall  and  go  downstairs  for  a  hit.  Lighting  the  cigarette  on  a  warm  sunny

morning, with sweat dripping down your face isn't something I would like to do very often.

But at that moment that was what I desperately wanted.

Another friend of V had come, and we guys had planned to have a drink before going again

to the  marriage  hall. So we went a small underground bar, and drank and drank and drank

some more. The beer was old and tasted rotten but the nuts were fine. And you know after so

much  drinking  nothing  much  matters,  but  surprisingly  I  wasn't  that  drunk  for  I  was  still

thinking about the married couple.  V was talking about how he will move to  the  US if his

boss keeps on being an asshole. And I guess he had given up caring for his friend's  ruined

marriage  ceremony.  But I was  still  thinking  “Will somebody turn up; will the  parents  come,

their friends, and their guardians… does anybody fucking cares? Life can't be so cruel.”

After  heavy  drinking,  and  thinking  and  smoking  we  entered  the  hall  again,  crawling.  And

they  were  there…  yes  two  lovers  were  there  sitting  happily  on  a  sofa  whose  one  leg  was

temporarily  fixed  using  duct  tape  and  supported  by  a  few  cardboard.  Surrounded  by  the

flowers  they were staring into each other's eyes and  they  were totally lost. They seemed like

the happiest people on the planet, with no wants or needs. They were continuously smiling

and didn't care about who has showed up and who hasn't; they were enough for each other. It

brought a smile on my  face and I felt  so peaceful, satisfied  like  something divine  was in the

vicinity. The tranquility  you feel when you are in temple  and you hear the chiming bells, hit

me. My soul  was  re-filled  with numerous quanta of life. If there is GOD,  I  had witnessed  it

and I knew I wasn't the only one.

Love  songs  were  being  played  in  the  background,  and  they  quite  rightly  answered  every

question people were asking. Though more people than expected had come, but no one was

really  there.  To  our  surprise  the  Girl's  family  had  also  come  and  boy's  elder  brother  and

father  too.  Girl's  parents  came  on  the  stage  and  clicked  a  photo  with  her  and  went  back.

Similarly numerous other people came on stage, smiled and did the same thing. It was now

our turn to go on the stage, I was bit nervous but what the hell. I hugged the groom tightly

and handed him an envelope with money and a hand-written note in it.

Note  said:  “Wish  you  very  good  luck  for  the  coming  life.  What  you  have  done  is  an

inspiration to all the lovers of the world. Living your life in your way is the only success and

happiness anyone can achieve. May god bless you two.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Let's Dance!! Please everyone” said the groom to all of us. And next moment we were there

dancing to the beats of the latest Punjabi songs. One cute Punjabi girl who looked like the

actress  Yami Gautam was dancing too. Suddenly some  romantic number was played by the

DJ and she looked at me, and smiled... We all started dancing  gently  like a ball-room dance

and  most  couple  started  to  dance  together.  S  and  V  had  made  a  pair,  were  looking  cute.  I

believe after sometime  the cute girl  took my hand and we were dancing together, and I felt

loved  like I have never been in a long  long  time and I smiled and cried and smiled.  Slowly

the music started to fade away and I passed out in her arms…

Movie Review : Lunchbox

Rating:  ★ ★ ★ 1/2

Lot of expectations you have when people (read: India's critically acclaimed directors/producers) are dejected for a movie not being selected as the official Indian entry for the Oscars. So much for the hype, I went to watch this movie even when I had very few monies in my pocket. And I was... not disappointed.

Mr. Fernandez, an old grieving man since death of his wife is about to retire from his job. A housewife, Ila is lonely and feeling worthless due to utter negligence of her husband. She hopes to win her husband's love by cooking the best food she can. And the famous Mumbai's Dabbawallas acting as an accidental messenger between the two. The Dabbawallas commit a rare error and the 'dabba' that Ila cooked for her husband after umpteen consultations from the wise old aunty living upstairs lands on the desk of Mr Fernandez. Fernandez eats up everything and thus begins the journey of the conversations. Strangers exchange letters discussing their everyday troubles, regrets, dreams and hopes via the dabbas. Finally, both have someone they can talk to.

Though the plot is quite unconventional, loveable and interesting, I think it's not fully developed. It's a good idea not to show everything, and leave a lot for the viewers to understand. The feeling and connection between the protagonists is a bit difficult to feel, and it's left simmering beneath the surface. Talking about the central idea of the movie 'Can you love someone whom you have never met?' is shown to be true in a convincing manner. On multiple levels, the strangers have the strong urge to meet each other, they wait eagerly to read the next letter and even plan on running away together. The relationship between the two has the charm and innocence as that of first love. If this is not love then I don't know what is. The conversations between the two reveal a lot about how love is much more about internal intimate connect and doesn't care about the external coverings at all.  For the viewers there is a bit of disconnect in evoking the same feelings (as that of protagnists) that the strangers should meet for once at least, that's bit subjective too.

Irrfan khan is one of the most gifted actors, and he has again shown his immense talent without talking much. The new comer Nimrat kaur is the star of the movie for me, the brilliant and naturalistic manner in which she has portrayed the character gives a clear feeling how a common Indian housewife feels. The side character played by Nawazzudin has done a tremendous job, fitting really well in the canvas of the movie, acting as a hardworking average guy with big dreams. Lillete dubey does a cameo and does it very well.

Lunchbox is one of the best movies of this year and there is no doubt about it. It's heartwarming to see Indian mainstream film makers coming up with brave concepts and talented actors are pulling them off. This is the direction I would like Indian cinema to go in, and we as viewers have only two words to say... 'Good Luck'.

Movie Review : Chennai Express

Rating:  ★ ★

I have worked in data-analytics domain for a small part of my life and it seems that the director of the movie has too. This movie is made by a wizardry statistical model (and nothing else) which takes parameters like lead actors, target-market, genre, # of item songs, time of the year, and others and comes up with the best possible solution. Now all the Indian wannabe film-makers are desperately after this model but I think it's code is locked in Mr. Shetty's Grandmother's bedroom in Chattisgarh.

Absolutely nothing, nothing oh yes nothing is new about this movie. Nothing that you haven't seen earlier or heard of. You take a guy (though he's 40 years old virgin) who is a loser and tie him up with a rich brat girl whose dad is a Don, and you start making a soup which is shamelessly full of cliches. Plus you add regular dose of item numbers and romantic preposterous scenes to it. In the end you change the tone of the movie and show that love can make impossible things possible. Sorry Mr. Shetty I sympathize with you that you have never ever heard of movie industries called Hollywood or Foreign cinema. It seems you have watched Cable T.V all your life in your Grandma's house, and you like it, lurrrve it a lot.

Said that, this movie still WORKS. I hate to say it, but it does. And everyone knows why? Oh yes, SRK that's why you SOB. 'Sharukh Khan daal de kisi bhi movie mein jaan' One man show and he takes every burden on his shoulder and handles pretty damn well. He's so likable and stupid and funny that you can't ignore him, you start following him, and get attached to his character. In this journey you know eventually what will happen but you like to enjoy it as it unfolds. Plus the new beautiful bride of Bollywood Deepika dances well to the tune of Tamil songs and speaks Hindi very awkwardly, but you never find it repulsive. The Tamil side Gundas play their meaningless and jobless characters very well, dance like a poorly programmed robot and somehow add to the charm of the movie.

Overall a good Time-pass (maybe better than Gossip with Mallu aunties), and of course sometimes you laugh really hard and then feel ashamed about it. Some people cry in the hall like always and you try to kill yourself, but that isn't possible. South Indian Hindi accent keep on haunting you for a long time, and eventually when you come home, you switch on your T.V, go to HBO and dose off while watching it. 

Movie Review: Bombay Talkies

100 years of Indian Cinema are being celebrated and Bombay Talkies has made me fall in love with Bollywood once again. I agree that period of 1950s-60s is still the golden era of Indian Cinema but I  have full faith that maturity in the film making is coming back and sooner we will see more movies that have depth and will make us think, laugh and cry.

Bombay talkies is a collection of 4 unrelated stories with a common theme of importance of Bollywood in shaping Indian culture. All the directors have taken a very mature and subtle approach and showed that movies are much more than just item numbers and fighting sequences.

Rating:  ★ ★ ★ ★ 1/2

Karan Johar's story is about how and why people lie and hide their true identity 'and are very defensive about their secrets. What is normal and what isn't is defined in the society and once you try to break it you will have to face the consequences, even your parents won't excuse you. With themes of homosexuality, metro culture and superficial lives story very aptly pin points the exact feelings of the people who are living repressed lives and inadvertently making other people's lives miserable too.

What I like about Karan's story is how beautifully he has treated the sensitive subject of homosexuality, and the love affair shown albeit one sided is very pure and genuine. The scene where the little girl sings 'Lag ja gale' gave me goosebumps and made me realize why I love watching movies.

Rating:  ★ ★ ★ 1/2

Dibakar Banerjee's story is about the unconquered territories and the unaccomplished goals that one always wanted to achieve but couldn't. Though you can try to move on with your life but these dreams will keep on haunting you. As it was said in an Argentine movie, 'You can change everything about a person, but his passion' this story shows that once you stumble upon your lost passion no matter wherever you are, you will feel a fresh breath of air and an inexplicable force will make you go back to where you belong.

The protagonist is a failed theater actor who left acting as he thought that it can't be someone's full-time occupation. He tries to rationalize his decisions in life and why he gave up on his dreams. But the internal battle still remains and the fire of acting is still burning inside him. Though he can't change his past or pursue acting full-time but he can surely act out stories in front of his family and find peace and happiness in it.

Rating: ★ ★ ★ ★


Zoya Akhtar treats the audience with a brave and heart-warming story. The director has raised questions like what is good? what is right? what is normal? and rightly showed that it is very subjective. As a child we all have some dreams, something that we want to be in life, though nobody understands and we don't care.
Similar is the case of the young boy in the story. His passion for dancing is everything to him, and his parents like most of the parents fail to understand that.
The feel good factor and the beauty of redemption of characters are what that sail through the story. The child actors have really showed maturity and played their parts without being looked as one-dimensional. Overall two thumbs up for the innocence and authenticity of the characters and for the organic plot.

Rating: ★ ★ 1/2

Anurag Kashyap the proclaimed Quentin Tarantino of India gives a lacklustre performance this time. Though this story being a little light-hearted blends in well with the other 3 stories but overall it's just another story you can care to forget.
The overall plot which seems as a farce is interesting and the actors have played it very well. The twist in the tail is also very unique and gives something for the audience to cheer. Still story doesn't have any punch or enough comical elements, it just juggles between gratuitous use of slangs and slow paced rhythm.


Bombay talkies is one of the rare experience I have had after watching a Bollywood movie. In my opinion it is the best Hindi movie I have seen in a long time. Coming together 4 best directors of India in itself is an applaudable step, but at the world stage, Indian cinema is still far far behind the rest. The dilemma between creating what audience wants and what you want still remains hovering on Indian cinema, and all we can do is to wait and watch, if someone has the courage to break it.